Mother Nature Smites the Assholes With Signs Who Blocked Her View

June 16, 2011 by TreyAntipasta

In an increasingly common move by Mother Nature, Tuesday night marked the first time in almost 6 years that veteran Phish fan Mother Nature used her power to control the forces of wind and rain to make a point to the assholes holding up signs throughout the Phish show.

Mother Nature, circa 2010 Furthur Tour

“Well, I went on Monday night to Alpharetta and having been quite busy with tornadoes and floods lately, I needed a break with my boys. I scored Mail Order tickets and had 5th row Page Side. Then I get to the show and see all the people with signs in the pit. As soon as the show started, the signs went up and they just never seemed to go down. I’m only 5’5″ and can’t see over signs that completely block my view of the band”, Mother Nature reported in a post-show interview with The Phunion Tuesday Night.

“I mean, what the fuck? You have a sign, the band sees it, they play a song, you PUT IT THE FUCK DOWN! This is a Phish show, not a sign show. If I want to read signs, I’ll go for a fucking drive.”

Mother Nature reportedly had hew view blocked for a majority of the first set and made the decision to enjoy the show from the lawn. “Well, it makes sense I would prefer the lawn, but its been since Miami 2009 since I last saw Phish and really wanted to actually SEE them. The lawn was great, I mean, I’m Mother Nature, those blades are like my children. It was a great show from where I was on the lawn. I even met up with some nice folks from the Northeast who showed me such kindness I laid off the humidity this week.”

However, when Mother Nature returned home that night, all she could remember was how her awesome seats were blocked by signs that she had no power to control. Until she decided to take matters into her own hands. Unsure as to whether or not this was a tour trend or just a one time thing, she awaited arrival to the show to make a determination.

“This isn’t like the breakup in 2004 when I flooded all of Vermont for a summer, just out of pure spite for them breaking up JUST as I was getting ready to hand the reigns over to my assistant so I could go on tour more often. This was not as calculated, just an impulse.” Added Mother Nature, “I think I’m bi-polar.”

Moody and uneven-tempered, Mother Nature saw kids laughing about what signs to make, so much so that fans were selling posters for fans to make signs saying ‘Cavern’, ‘Golgi’, ‘Bouncin’ and ‘Fluffhead’. “That was the last straw. Fluffhead? As if they don’t fucking play that song enough. Right then and there, I had to make a stand.”

Using her innate powers of wind, water, earth and fire, Mother Nature began a storm system in Northeast Alabama that she hoped would soak the signs before they were able to be held up, again blocking her view. But the more this tempestous deity thought about it, the more she got upset and that’s when the storm started.

Artists rendering of Mother Nature when she isn't a total cunt

“I’ll admit, it got out of hand. I can be a raging bitch sometimes and this is a fine example. I’ll have nice weather at times, but get on my bad side and the gloves come off. Do not fuck with me.”

The rain was coming down steadily during the first set and only intensified when a phan with a ‘Runaway Jim’ sign held it up during the storm, and that was the proverbial last straw. Mother Nature let loose on all of Northern Georgia, yet in the middle of her angry display of weather, the band started Mound, which led to all the signs going up that said ‘Mound’. That’s when things got rough.”

“Yeah, I need therapy. Or zanax. I couldn’t find a single pharmie on lot beforehand, and I wish I had. Seriously, I need a prescription but can’t get one because I’ll just sell it for molly. It’s a terrible circle. You can tell that I need help. But I’m the only Mother Nature the planet has, so I have to try to keep my shit together. This was not one of my finer moments.”

While fans retreated to the bathrooms for shelter, Mother Nature slowly calmed down, realizing what she had created. As she dissipated the storm that had become an instant memory in the lore of Phish, she felt bad and prayed that the band would return to the stage. “When they did come back, all I could think was “Please, play Mound again, I haven’t seen one since 12/31/02, far too long. Plus, all those fucking signs were soaked by now and there was nothing for these assholes to hold up but their dicks. And we all know those aren’t going to block anyone’s view.”

As the band broke into Mound, Mother Nature let the storm pass and kept up appearances with some rain while she enjoyed the entire second set, especially ‘The Birdwatcher’ and ‘Kung’. “Let’s just say those songs have a deep connection to the earth, the deep tones; all was forgiven then. I’ve even given the rest of the tour nice weather as a result.”

“But really, I’m sorry it came to this. I didn’t mean for things to get out of hand. I need to go to therapy. I could use some more Phish but these signs are killing me. I have my ticket to Superball IX and with a large crowd like that, signs are kinda useless unless you get really close, so hopefully shit doesnt start again. I try, but really, its a hard job.”

“I was first attracted to Phish because of The Waterwheel Foundation, which is sort of near and dear to my everything. I try to get on tour when I can but this is a full-time worldwide job that I just can’t leave for a bit. I do that, The Maldives disappear beneath the ocean for good.”

When reached for comment, God said, “Look, I’ve told you before, just call me Trey. And don’t piss off Mother Nature. Sanity never came her way.” At that moment, Trey/God then took cover as his delicate ginger skin began to burn under the increasing heat from the sun. “See, told you so. Now what song did she want to hear?”

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