Hot off the success of the new Lockn’ Festival, promoters are planning an even better installment next year with greater sit-ins, more VIP options and music that will blow your fucking mind. Here’s some of the new things planned for Lockn’ 2014:
Yonder Buttered Biscuits Supergroup will debut as the first UntzGrass band, featuring members of Yonder Mountain String Band, Hot Buttered Rum and The Disco Biscuits. Expect a 20 minute “Mother’s Only Son > 7/11”!
Stillwater from Almost Famous and The Black Crowes will perform a ‘Please fuck us again Kate Hudson’ set; expect Muse to sit-in on the classic tune, “I’m fucking her now you long-haired hippies.”
Big Gigantic and Conspirator will return as Gigantic Underground Conspiracy, which Barber will presume is a conspiracy about him. Relatedly, M80 Dubstation will not be allowed within 100 miles of the festival site, out of concern for the safety of festival goers.
Vida Blue and the Moody Blues will merge for ‘The Blue Life’, playing depressing mildly-electronic songs that we all love and cherish.
John Popper and hologram of fat John Popper will combine to cover Weird Al Yankovic’s The Food Album.Warren Haynes will sit in with EVERYONE. Every. Single. Fucking. Act. You know that group of four guys from North Carolina who are always playing in the parking lot late night – Warren will be there and he’ll sure as hell upstage them!
moe. and Umphrey’s McGee will play a set together and the bro-love will ejaculate all over the crowd. Later, Rob Derhak will sculpt Ryan Stasik’s mustache into devil horns in VIP while Al Schnier gives balding advice to Joel Cummins and Jake Cinninger!
Ween will attempt to get their shit together for the festival but ultimately not show up. No Phish/Ween “Roses are Free” collaboration
Phish will perform Talking Heads songs with Widespread Panic, angering both fan bases and pitting Molly-elation from the Northeast against Cocaine-fueled Southern anger. You don’t want to miss this!
Backstage, Pete Shapiro will collaborate with Bank of America on a 2nd mortgage for Brooklyn Bowl so he can afford to pay all these bands.
And for those looking to pay less than $400 for a weekend pass, there will be a low price camping option in the Addison Grove Projects.
Expect VIP offerings including a Super-VIP set from Phil Lesh and Bob Weir, who will discuss the benefits of Ensure vs Activia to an audience of only 5 people who paid $5,000 each. It pays to be a rich Deadhead with expendable income!
Can’t wait to see everyone there. Plan to arrive a week early to avoid the clusterfuck of traffic. And if you want to volunteer, yes, Lockn’ will need every single one they can get.