Crushington State seeks accreditation from the of Supreme North American Accreditation Rage Council

January 7, 2013 by TreyAntipasta

The Phunion is still recovering from the New Years Run at MSG, so we present our first ever guest post, from the good folks at Crushington State University.

Crushington State University, arguably the most reputable rage-tastic vintage modern, non-scholastically enhanced university on Phish Tour, has recently applied for certification from the Supreme North American Accreditation Rage Council. This is a big step for the storied Institution that was founded in 1902 by William T. Bagley after an important and historic expedition to Mount Shasta, California.


As the story goes, during a toning session, the Lemurians that he met there had imparted some incredible wisdom to him that subsequently led to the discovery of the parallel universe where this establishment of higher learning currently exists. Within Mount Shasta, Dr. Bagley found a cave that reportedly went on for “as long as the longest wheat noodle that universe would permit”. This led to the opening of what could be interpreted as an inner world of planet earth coupled with a parallel universe. Upon coming to the light at the end of the 720 mile cave system, he was greeted by a sight that was “more beautiful than the most grand thing that had ever spread grace to mine eyes as though it were spread as butter from the heavens”. What he saw was a beautiful town waiting to be born. New Jerruschessets sat there staring back at him.  He emerged on the summit of Mount Crushmore, the parallel universe counterpart of Mount Shasta.

Promptly after the university was created, Bagley disappeared leaving behind a note suggesting that he had gone to an older sister university to continue on his path for knowledge and understanding for the mysteries that this planet and its inner counterpart hold. There are still stories on campus that he comes back to check on CSU from afar. Every once and awhile students and faculty both will see lights on the the top of Mt. Crushmore. As legend has it, that is Bagley looking over the quaint world that he had created.


the school has a well-known recess curriculum

Today, Mount Crushmore proudly looks over the campus today as it has for eons before, holding space for Crushington States initiates to safely study the ancient ways of crushing it.

Seeking accreditation from the Supreme North American Accreditation Rage Council (SNAARC) is no small task, and involved a great deal of paperwork, bacon, and a demonstration of rage skills over the course of Crushington’s existence.

Crushington feels that they have earned this accreditation due to prophecy from a book-”The Crushinomicon”- that  Will T. Bagley found in 1878, which said: “The day shall come when a university shall be hoisted on the shoulders of many and the face shall be raged. From the face of man shall come a school that will be recognized in scholarly tradition. But because of its unparalleled nature, recognition will be unable to be posited. It is then that the children of the face shall rejoice with thine meager flocks to the shores of the Baltic Sea and add another trophy to the hall of non-consequence” (Rageverb 18:7)

Just another day at CSU

Just another day at CSU

A modern day translation would lend itself to the meaning that the school cannot be granted or denied accreditation.  However,because of this, they must fulfill the prophecy of the Crushinomicon (and the fact that there is an entire hall of trophies and awards that are completely irrelevant to the schools goals and determinations) to see to it that this most holy book of theirs is listened to and its words upheld. Otherwise CSU and its initiates run the risk of gaining an understanding of what the concept of competition is.

When the accreditors from SNAARC arrived on campus this past weekend, Crushington State turned the tables turned a bit, immediately issuing the CRE (Crushstate Ragestry Examination) and passed both the physical and written test. This granted SNAARC access to the campus, similar to entering other countries with a passport. Once on campus, the accreditors were enrolled into a six-week class at the New Jersuachussets Thunderdome to ensure that they were accredited prior to CSU becoming accredited.

The CSU Accreditors

The CSU Accreditors

When all of the pre-accreditation processes were processed, the accreditation process started and quickly ended. When the papers of accreditation were signed, the papers turned tie dyed and the ink disappeared. As soon as the ink was gone the papers returned to normal. This happened about 10 times before SNAARC decided that they were unable to deny nor accept the school into accreditation thus fulfilling the Crushinomicons prophecy.

In conclusion, Crushington State University is truly a universally unparalleled parallel universe university. Without the understanding of competition, acceptance, winning or loosing, the student body and faculty embarked on this venture with an understanding of the far past and a thirst for the far future. None of it had to do with anything though. They just did it to do it.

1 Comment »

  1. Jon prawn jovi says:

    Sounds much like a story told in my 3rd grade PE class. Except William t bagley was captain America, and mt crushmore was Lego land. It has a strong undertone of universal knowledge, and smells much like teen spirit. I’ve never crushed anything in my life, but if I did it would be crushington state

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