1. Wook Dreads Reported To Hold Cure for Wook Flu

    April 19, 2011 by TreyAntipasta

    Scientists at the National Institute for Heady Health (NIHH) reported today that a cure for Wook Flu was found in the unlikeliest of sources, the dreads of wooks. Dr. Henry Gabel reported that inspecting the dreads of dozens of donor wooks resulted in discovering, isolating and examining the cause of Wook Flu which was derived from remnants of Sammy Smith bottles.

    The Root cause of Wook Flu was found within this mass of dreads

     

    Wook Flu has been known to affect festival and concert-goers for the past decade, with a report 5,000 Wook Flu cases after Phish’s Fall 2010 Tour alone. A cure has been in the works for the past 4 years, once enough wooks made themselves available for non-invasive testing and answered a questionnaire regarding their travel and medical history. While most could not recall the last time they had seen a doctor, many wooks had traveled extensively around the country in the years prior, leading to the conclusion that the virus that causes Wook Flu is a composite of multiple strains of Sketch from across the country.

    The sketch

    Once the Sketch finds its way into a wook’s body, it makes its way to the most protected area in the body, the dreads. With no risk for washing or coming into contact with disinfectant, Wook Flu can then spread when dreads touch a passerby or when an unknowing admirer of the glass beads in the hair handles them, making themselves the carrier and infecting dozens through casual contact throughout the night.

    With the strain of Wook Flu under quarantine, along with five wooks who were labeled a public health hazard, NIHH officials hope to have a vaccine ready by August 2011 and Phish Summer Tour’s Second Leg. Inoculations will cost 1 for 3, 2 for 5 and will be available exclusively on lot.


  2. Wooks Nationwide Set To Unionize

    March 28, 2011 by TreyAntipasta

    In a move that has shaken the Jamband community to its core, Wooks nationwide announced today that they will take the first steps to unionizing, with plans to be a fully incorporated Union by Memorial Day Weekend of 2011.

    Early reports set the Molly Market more than doubling overnight, raising prices to over $200 a gram and set off a flurry of concern as to the rise in cost of lot goods and the normal 40 hour work weeks that Wooks would now be able to hold. “If a Wook were to unionize and work 40 hours before a show on Saturday, do I have to pay double for my drugs? Fuck that man”, said tour regular Larry Shake. “Why should I have to pay for their medical benefits? They aren’t going to use them. I mean seriously, the Wooks aren’t going to use their dental coverage. Who would even put that in the contract?”

    Brah Tweed

    Other concerns were brought to the head of the Wook Unionization movement,Brah Tweed, who spoke from Shakedown on Furthur tour Friday night. “All hardworking Wooks ask for is fair health benefits, retirement accounts and the respect of a kick down to get down.” Tweed added, “Yes, I see the irony of calling my fellow Wooks ‘hardworking’, but Molly doesn’t sell itself!”When informed that yes, drugs do sell themselves, Tweed muttered unintelligibly and stumbled off between two parked cars.

    One of the biggest concerns facing Wooks is whether Phish tour counts as work or vacation. Partnership with both the AFLSD and the CIOHMYGODTHISISAWESOME is on hold until Wooks can get their shit together long enough to figure this out.

    Despite hurdles, Wooks are planning the ‘1,000,000 Brah March’ which will take place when Widespread Panic, String Cheese Incident, Phish, Furthur are not touring and there are no festivals planned. The march will be held Christmas Day, 2011, in Manchester, Tennessee.


  3. Twiddle Tackles The Left Coast with October Tour Dates

    August 15, 2016 by TreyAntipasta

    We are thrilled to announce Twiddle’s West Coast Fall Tour with Kitchen Dwellers.

    As far as tours go, this is the touriest. A lot of venues, room for a lot of notes, in places that even Twiddle had to look up on a map.

    116237

    Technically St. Louis isn’t ‘west’, it’s more Midwest, but we will let that slide this time. Two nights for the wooks in Denver, then I guess Durango, where the band embarks on SIX nights in a row of shows, meaning at the show in Missoula on October 9th may resurrect the rarely played ‘Ryan takes a nap.’ Then its Spokompton where if they know what’s best for them, they’ll sleep anywhere else followed by Seattle, Portland and Eugene, aka, the ‘new Portland’ since everyone from the East Coast has already ruined Portland.

    Of course, Twiddle is playing Los Angeles. Home to many great bands such as Ozomatli, Hole, Maroon 5, L7 and Dokken, instead of playing somewhere conveinent, they’re playing in downtown L.A. At least it’s not K-town for Umphrey’s, but then again, Mihali can’t play as many notes as Jake. The tour wraps up in Hangtown, completely ignoring San Diego, San Francisco, Oakland, Fresno, Bakersfield, San Rafael, Eureka and the other hotbed music scenes found across the Golden State.

    More info at Lemonparty.com Twiddle.com


  4. The Phunion’s Year in Lists

    December 24, 2015 by TreyAntipasta

    End of Year lists are stupid and played out. So here’s our list of the best of 2015 and what to look forward to in 2016!

    Top 25 Ways That Twiddle Will Use the Force in 2016

    The Top 13 crowdsourced interviews from L4LM

    Top 5 supergroups featuring Todd Stoops

    7 ways in which Bonnaroo will disappoint once again

    Four times Page ordered one sandwich for here and one to go

    Top 10 Songs That A Jedi Would Like

    Three times Joel Cummins made us laugh out loud rolling on the floor

    28 times “Tweezer” was ripcorded for “Backwards Down the Number Line”

    6 forgettable versions of “Brent Black”

    Three ways that Kunj Shah is the Ken Jeong of the jamband scene (you won’t believe #2!)

    4 times Barber forgot the lyrics to “House Dog Party Favor”

    Ten times we confused Mihali for Dave Matthews and Dave Matthews for Adam Durwitz

    8 ways to attend Gathering of the Vibes this summer

    Top 5 Tips for Safe Anal Lightsaber Play

    6 ways to de-wookify yourself after NYE with Papadosio

    Eight times that Trey’s guitar sounded like Alderaan exploding

    12 times we wondered if it was still Twist

    5 times we mistook Gordon for Chewbacca

    Top 10 Star Wars References in this list


  5. Fuck Your Face: The Phunion Previews A Brand New Line Of Sex Toys From Phish

    June 7, 2015 by RobertPalmerPlore

    Inspired by Jam Panties and those silly knickers Phan Art is always trying to sell, Phish plans to move into the more adult oriented merchandise world. The band plans to unleash several new sex toys which will be available during summer tour. We here at The Phunion got a sneak peak at them and let’s just say kinkster Phish fans who are looking for something a bit harder than #UmphLove are in for a treat.

    The Wombat:

    wombat

    Don’t kid yourselves perverts, you had to have that. What’s that you ask? The Wombat blow up doll. With this great new toy, you won’t need to worry about moving forward, you only have to focus on giving it in the behind. Sorry Phans, Abe Vigoda is not included.

    Punch You In The Brown Eye:

    punch you in the brown eye
    It’s no secret that wooks love butt sex. What better way to warm your dread locked lover up than with the Punch You In The Brown Eye butt plug. Shaped like a fish, this mid-size back side joy ride’s only downside is that lot dogs could confuse it for a chew toy. The plug will be available in several colors including the Fishman donut pattern ™.

    Bouncing Around The Ben Wa Balls:

    bem wa balls

    If a woman is rather hard to keep, well, we can’t legally suggest that you tie her up. However, if you want her to dance above you as you sink, may we suggest these incredible Bouncing Around The Ben Wa Balls? Made with only the finest material, these won’t fall out of your lovely lady as she rages during a massive second set Down With Disease.

    Paul & Silas Handcuffs:

    paul and silas

    Want to keep your man bound and chained all night long? The Paul & Silas handcuffs are the perfect thing for you. Limited to three pairs a show, each cuff will feature the shows date and venue engraved into the stainless steel.

    Mike’s Dong:

    mike's dong

    While many of us hope to see a second jam return to Mike’s Song, with Mike’s Dong, you can jam it as many times as you (or your partner) can handle. Bigger than the bass bombs Gordon drops during those all so sacred moments, this thing is massive. 2 ounces of Weekapaug Lube included with all purchases.

    AC/DC Gag:

    ac dc gag
    While many will tell you that ball gags and nooses simply don’t mix, Master Palmer isn’t concerned with your safety. This extremely hardcore set will rock your favorite submissive harder than the 9/14/99 version of the song that this naughty treat takes its name from. This item is only recommended for people who saw Phish before the hiatus.

    Phish has asked all us to stress the importance of a safe word to each and everyone of you debating buying these products. Trey has personally requested that you use ‘Fuego’ as your safe word, since it worked so well for him last summer.


  6. Welcome To The B List: Umphrey’s McGee Live In Los Angeles

    March 9, 2015 by RobertPalmerPlore

    For the second year in a row, Umphrey’s McGee left the safe and cozy Hollywood club scene and headed south to Koreatown for their obligatory visit to Southern California. Typically reserved for undersold STS9 and Widespread Panic gigs, the Wiltern Theatre is one of the classier venues Los Angeles has for live music entertainment. You could imagine our shock when the band’s publicity team turned us down for media credentials for what was to be another undersold and under-appreciated jam band gig in the city of Angels. We use Peter Jennings as our Twitter AVI for Jake’s sake. Apparently the joke was on us as we showed up to the Art Deco theatre and discovered that there were actually 2,000 people willing to see Umphrey’s McGee in Los Angeles on a Friday night.11026278_10205554828726756_439525978491406818_n

    As one would imagine, the lot scene was off the charts. Contained to a multi-story parking structure, we put our Fitbit to the test walking up and down looking for any sign of life before show time. Unfortunately for us all we found was some dude named Burton who was listening to the 3/6/09 “Squirming Coil” while drinking a Blue Moon. Not one for conversation, we decided perhaps we would just hit the street. From bacon wrapped hot dogs to heavy metal flavored t-shirts, Wilshire and Western was bumping with vendors willing to accept both US and Mexican currency. Not one for bacon, we soon discovered the best pre-party to be had was drinks at Beer Belly with the legendary Stardog97.

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    One simply does not Umph alone. The Phunion’s Mexican Cousin had a tough time on a freeway in Los Angeles as porn stars flooded the 101 out of Chatsworth heading home from a long week of bukkake and gang bangs. An old Dead Head who had never heard of Umphrey’s McGee, his security search took longer than mine because he is brown. Once we made it into the venue, we showed our driver’s license in exchange for those fancy paper bracelets that always end up removing several strands of arm hair. A small sacrifice to pay for the right to purchase 20 ounces of Lagunitas IPA for $16 plus tip.

    We found our seats up in the balcony midway through the set of the opening act for the evening, Joshua Redman and the Revivalists. While well respected Fox News analyst Hey Scotty B! would describe the act as a New Orleans Led Zeppelin, we feel this statement couldn’t be further from the truth. What we saw was O.A.R. with the kid who lost American Idol to Kelly Clarkson on vocals. Shit has piss poor musical reality show written all over it. If that is your thing, more power to you, but why would a band that covers the likes of Tool and Rage Against The Machine bring out something so manufactured is mind boggling?! If you want to give 1,900 dudes and 100 women a true taste of New Orleans, do the world a favor and at least give us Goatwhore.

    Before Umphrey’s played their first set, we met the drummer of local band Headless Robot. He was a unique character with ironic upper lip hair. He spewed words like an Eddie Van Jake Cinninger guitar solo. He has never heard of The Phunion and we have never heard of his band so we are pretty much even. Then Umphrey’s came out and played a set of music. They thanked Los Angeles. I think two of them had a baseball cap on, but it may have been three. Some dude named Waffle gave us an orgasm and a seizure at the same time. It was wild, you had to be there.

    10649509_10205554828366747_3347867116239108004_n

    Set break was a pretty crazy scene. With the dude to chick ratio way out of whack, the lower bathrooms flooded at the venue. Apparently the 1,887 dudes in Phish shirts really enjoy their $16 plus tip beer. This forced everyone upstairs where the demand for the seven places to defecate was higher than the demand for Dead 50 tickets. It should also be reported that the venue sold out of Haribo Gummy Bears after wooks went ham on the delicious fat free treat and we were stuck surviving off Sour Patch Kids for the second set. The musical highlight of the evening also occurred during set break, as the band spun “Ænima” by Tool much to the delight of the asshole who wore an Amon Amarth shirt to the show.

    That second set started off with a lot of notes right in a row. Suffering from a severe lack of showers, bassist Ryan Stasik had some sweet dance moves while rocking an outfit that looked as if he was a member of 311. They brought Redman out a lot, but not the Redman you are thinking of. They also put several people to sleep in the balcony. The best part of the show was the 52 seconds that they sounded like Meshuggah. The worst part of the show was the lack of cape on Joel Cummins. If you are not going to go balls deep into the heavy and play music with a dude who sings like he does, you need a fucking cape. We asked our intern to do a quick Google search thinking perhaps they don’t have vegan capes, but he gave us ‘tude and mentioned he was refreshing the Natalie Cressman Twitter feed just in case she pulled a Hayley Williams. Remind us to never take on an intern from UCLA again.

    rick wakeman

    In sticking with the spirit of Los Angeles, we left at the encore break to beat traffic. Such a Dodgers fan move but we wanted Taco Bell cause YOLO. This of course meant we missed a “Plunger” encore dedicated to us, but hey, we at the Phunion don’t need the ego boost because sometimes Mike Gordon responds to our tweets. Besides, if anyone should be grateful for an ego boost it’s Umphrey’s McGee. Playing over 391 shows a year for 9 consecutive years the group should be proud that their hard work is paying off. In a town where Trey Anastasio can bring roughly 5,000 people out to the Hollywood Bowl, the Attention Deficit jam rockers are now a solid second tier option for all the transplants who can no longer get nearly enough Phish shows.

    The finest promotion a trust fund can buy

     


  7. The Phunion Reviews ‘Fuego’

    June 24, 2014 by TreyAntipasta

    With Phish’s new album ‘Fuego’ being released today, we at The Phunion took one for the team and wrote the only review of ‘Fuego’ you need to read. Ignore than review in Relix. Disregard a review from Mr. Miner. Cast aside message boards. Read The Phunion’s review of ‘Fuego’. We think it’s better than Umphrey’s McGee’s new album, but that could be said about

    Fuego – Last Halloween, Phish pissed all over tradition and used the holiday for some serious market research. That market research showed that white people fucking love their Fuego’s. After all, it took hacks like Phan Art and that kid in Portland, Oregon or something seconds to come up with Fuego designs to sell to wooks from Walla Walla to West Palm Beach. While the 35+ crowd that makes up most of Phish’s fan base embrace the 3.0 Dad Rock era, we here at the Phunion have confirmed that this song does indeed make Vlad The Impaler roll over in his grave.

    albumart

    A better album cover

    The Line – Much like the NCAA, Phish is going to make loads and loads of cash off of Darius Washington Jr. with ‘The Line’. Yet, poor Darius once again won’t see a dime for his struggle. Even worse, the much rumored new “Halloween tradition” could see Phish actually crucify Darius onstage during the second set. Bet he didn’t see that in his future when he stepped to The Line.

    fuego_main_top_left

    A better album cover

    Devotion to a Dream  – No more promises that this song won’t suck live. This song is devoted to one thing – getting bros to like Phish, and with a Jack Johnson/O.A.R. poppy-bullshit sound, it’s going to do the trick. The whole sing-along thing is very mid-90s anyways. What is the dream they are devoted to? Ruining an album? Congrats. Mission: Accomplished.

    3916_ojos_de_fuego

    A better album cover

    Halfway to the Moon – So this is the ‘Page’ song on the album and we’ve heard it for a couple years now, knowing it is best enjoyed while taking a leak. Seriously, try it at home – you’ll never have a gentler stream. Anyways, Page wrote this while living in his father’s basement during the band’s breakup. Trey has that neat howling guitar which is meant to mimic Page’s tears at Coventry. Page sounds like he misses the good ol’ days with Vida Blue.

    522930_350833214953134_549567076_n

    A better album cover

    Winterqueen – Why is a Trey Anastasio Band song on a Phish album? Can’t he just leave this for Chainsaw and J-Ha to sing on and make better? Incredibly, you can only hear Trey for the first two minutes of the song – gotta be the first time, right? This song should have joined ‘Snow’ and never been played by Phish and forgotten by the audience immediately. But it’s on the album so we have to pretend to like this when it ruins set 2 at DTE. Oh and nice fake wind sounds Ezrin.

    la-renault-fuego-large2

    A better album cover

    Sing Monica – Sounding a lot like a beach side city in Los Angeles County, Sing Monica truly a hot mess. Granted Phish was at their highest highs in the 1990’s when the hit TV show ‘Friends’ was on the air, everyone knows that Phoebe was the singer in that clique. Regardless of the fact it makes you think of ‘Friends’, the craziest thing about the song isn’t the simple catchy melody, as much as the fact that Phish is trying to get a woman to admit that they are wrong.

    Fresno-Fuego

    A better album cover

    555 – So this is the ‘Mike’ song on the ‘Phish’ album. Fishman has those distant vocals, then the backup singers kick-in. Why can’t we have them at Phish shows? Albums get all the cool stuff. 555 is not just the number of Mike’s locker at the local bus station, it’s also the cost of his Varvatos scarf. Enjoy seeing this song on Phish tour and on Mike tour, but really mainly enjoy it on Mike tour.

    Renault_Fuego_France

    A better album cover

    Waiting All Night – Since Ween no longer makes music together, Phish has decided to channel their Quebec era sound on this laid back track. The band asks a lot of the listener as how can anyone believe that Fish would be Waiting All Night for someone to come home when he has more kids than Bob Marley? Perhaps this is why the song features the same fucking drum beat for five minutes.

    tierradf

    A better album cover

    Wombat – When Abe Vigoda dies, his tomb stone will read ‘Danced On Stage With Phish In A Wombat Costume’ thanks to this manic break out single. In a shocker to many, the Fred Durst style flows of Fishman and Trey are not the most offensive thing Wombat has going. Nope, that would be borrowing ‘The Lovely Ladies’ from Dave Matthew Band stadium tours to sing backup at the end of the song. I guess Coran Capshaw must have gotten a two-for-one deal there.

    fuego-2019

    A better album cover

    Wingsuit – Trey sounds like he and the guys went to a ‘vision quest’ retreat together and ended up seeing wingsuits together, and it felt good so they wrote a song about it. ‘Wingsuit’ sounds like what Peyote feels like (we’re guessing). Thankfully the album wasn’t named ‘Wingsuit’ because all we can think of are condoms with the Fishman dress circles all over them. Let’s hope this becomes the next ’20 Years Later’ in that no one wants to hear the song but the jams turn out amazing after 3 years.


  8. NYE Comparisons: Phish and Bisco in the same building

    December 19, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    In a little more than a week, Phish will start their four night run at Madison Square Garden. While this event has occurred five times before, the difference this year is that The Disco Biscuits will be playing in the Theater at MSG, downstairs from the main room. The staff at The Phunion, in the interest of keeping the fans of both bands informed and educated, have put together a short comparison of the fan bases that will, for once, intermingle on the holiest of live music nights, New Years Eve.

    Crowd

    Phish Fans: Hippies, 30-somethings and a few Wooks

    Bisco Kids: Lots and Lots of kidz, Wooks and Mahldogs

    hippies1

    Weapon of Choice

    Phish Fans: Glowsticks

    Bisco Kids: Flat Brims

    tim_tizzy

    In between songs

    Phish Fans: Check Twitter

    Bisco Kidz: Check on their lot dogs

    259168_2258450298868_2135391_o

     

    Preferred setbreak

    Phish Fans: Bathroom, Water, Relax, Rest up for second set

    Bisco Kidz: Take a quick K-hole power nap, drink just enough water to stay hydrated & not pass out

    the-k-hole

    When the show is over

    Phish Fans: Carried out on a musical high

    Bisco Kidz: Carried out on stretchers.

    Musical High1

    Celebrity Connection

    Phish Fans: The ghost of Peter Jennings always spends New Years with The Phish

    Bisco Kidz: Lindsey Lohan flips out during ‘And the Ladies were the rest of the night”, punches Barber.

    Happy New Years from all of us at The Phunion! Hugs, Trey Antipasta, Cactus Jack, Robert Palmer Plore and Page’s Mistress

     


  9. Learn The Phish Alphabet with The Phunion!

    September 20, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    A is for Antelope Greg. A is also for Asshole.

    B is for Big Balls.

    C is for Charlottesville naked guy.

    D is for Dicks. Because we all love Dicks.

    E is for Esther. Bitch got what was coming to her.

    F is for Fuck Your Face. Yes, YOUR face.

    G for Greg. As in Antelope Greg, who is still an asshole.

    H is for Hells Angels.

    I is for Icculus, because he wrote the fucking book.

    J is for JEMP cause who wants a Phish Blu-Ray release anyway?

    K is for Ketamine. K is also for K-hole, because what the fuck did you think would happen when you took a horse tranquilizer?

    L is for Let Me Lie. This is now the fourth Let Me Lie version released.

    M is for Marley who won’t stop barking and is ruining the AUD from ’88 we’re listening to.

    N is for Nitrous Mafia. Admit it, you’ve gassed a balloon after a show.

    O is for Ocelot. O is also for Overplayed.

    P is for, um … ah fuck it. We’ve got nothing for P.

    Q is for Quadriphonic Toppling, naturally.

    R is for Riker’s Mailbox, both the obscure track off Hoist and the Phish cover band inSt. Louis. We’ve heard good things.

    S is for SHUT THE FUCK UP WHILE PHISH IS PLAYING!

    T is for Thank you.

    U is for Umphrey’s McGee, who started out as a Phish cover band.

    V is for Vultures, but in a shocking upset Them Crooked Vultures came in with a higher cool factor than the Phish song.

    W is for Wook, even though we wish it wasn’t.

    X is for Xeyed and Painless which is actually spelled Crosseyed and Painless. Learn to spell you fucking wooks.

    Y is for You Enjoy Art Photos.

    Z is for Zimple, Zpock’s Brain, Ztorage Jam and Zand.

     


  10. Phish and Insane Clown Posse Join Forces For Superball of the Juggalos

    March 22, 2012 by RobertPalmerPlore

    You don’t need The Phunion to share with you the obvious – times are tough in America in 2012. With gas floating around $5 and attendance for last summers’ Super Ball IX rumored to be about 28,000 a day many Phish phans have feared a lack of summer festival for 2012. Thankfully your need to worry is no more as Phish has found a way to not only have a festival, but make new “family” as well.

    According to the guy at my Medical Marijuana clinic, his brother’s wife’s neighbor happens to be a make-up artist for Detroit hip hoppers Insane Clown Posse. Looking to spice up their annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival, we can now (un)officially confirm that Phish and Insane Clown Posse are joining forces for Superball of the Juggalos.

    The four day event will take place K.I. Sawyer Air Force Base in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula over Labor Day weekend. Other artists rumored for the event will be Limp Bizkit, Strangefolk, Skee-Lo and Kottonmouth Kings. The base will be divided into two separate concert fields and camp sites as it is a well known fact that Wooks and Juggalos have been at war since Woodstock 99. According to our contacts, when asked about the feud, ICP rapper Violent J was quoted as saying “Who cares if they kill each other as long as I get paid.”

    From our vantage point this is a win win for fans of both groups. Juggalos will get better drugs and Phish fans can cure cotton mouth with refreshing Faygo. As soon as the official details for Superball of the Juggalos are announced, The Phunion will be the first to let you know.