June, 2012

  1. SCOTUS rules 5-4 that Phish is Back!

    June 29, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    In a landmark case that decided the status of one of the largest touring bands in The United States, The Supreme Court ruled that Phish is indeed, back, ending more than three years of speculation as to whether or not they could officially be considered ‘back’.

    The split decision found the four hardcore phans on the bench, Justices Breyer, Sotomayor, Kagan and Ginsberg joined by 3.0 n00b Chief Justice Roberts, a surprise as he has only seen 10 shows since Festival 8 and only sees them when they play nearby Washington D.C. The five justices upheld the lower court ruling that Phish was back and a full body of reviews on the popular website Mr. Miner’s Phish Thoughts and other evidence showed that Phish was not only back, but happy, healthy and excited to play. Cited the Chief Justice, “The band is no doubt back and I have seen it with my own eyes and raged proper. For one to dismiss the idea that Phish could come back from 2004 and play at the level they are playing ignores years of case law regarding the return of bands to their original form.”

    yeah, he goes to that place too

    It was rumored that Roberts had initially decided that Phish was not back and would attend no shows this summer, but  with tour looming, he changed his mind and asserted to fellow justices that Phish was back and he would be able to get to St. Louis, if not Dick’s, prior to the Supreme Court reconvening for the fall term. This switch was evident in his citing of no less than 15 songs that Roberts hoped to hear this summer, each littered throughout his 10 page opinion for the majority.

    Breyer cited the recent shows in Worcester, Atlantic City, Cincinnatti, Burgettstown and Cuyahoga Falls as substantive proof, that although not mentioned in evidence, the tours, the heat and the bombs dropped by Gordo were proof positive that Phish was officially back.

    A stern dissent from Scalia scoffed at Robert’s opinion, likely due to being a jaded vet show first caught Phish at Amy’s Farm. “This band sounds nothing like they did in their 93-95 heyday. A lack of exploratory jams, unique New Years shows and banter with the audience are all proof positive that Phish is not back. Only a n00b would think otherwise.” More or less, Scalia ignored all rationality and proof otherwise, sticking to his pre-conceived belief that Phish could not return to the glory of the early 90s, period.

    yes, thats him insulting you. what a dick

    It should also be noted that Scalia introduced Roberts to Phish after he was appointed Chief Justice, as a gesture of welcome to the bench. Scalia’s bitterness is known through circuits, so much that he still refuses to go to Alpine Valley because of the long walk out of the venue to the nearest campground.

    Justice Clarence Thomas in a concurring dissent looked to the original band from 1983, which included then guitarist Jeff Holdsworth and not current member Page McConnell on keys and piano. His comparison explained his viewpoint but offered no evidence as to why he did not look at the current lineup of the band, even as early as 1986. True to character, Justice Thomas had nothing to say on the matter during oral arguments.

    The Funky Benches at work. Don't worry, they won't judge you at a show

    The three female justices on the bench have been known to hit second leg shows on the west coast for the past few years. Calling themselves the Funky Benches, Justices Kagan, Sotomayor and Ginsberg enjoy 5-7 Phish shows a summer and have been enjoying themselves enough on tour that a vote in favor of Phish’s return was obvious before oral arguments began shortly after the New Years Run.

    Little Suzy Ginsberg has a very unique lot fashion sense

    Justice Ginsberg, who goes by Little Suzy Ginsberg on lot may have provided the crucial influence on the Chief Justice by enticing him with front row seats in St. Louis and the closest hotel at Dick’s. Ginsberg who has seen well over 100 shows played up her status as a tour vet in hopes that she could convince Roberts to go to some shows and show everyone they were back with a vote in the affirmative. The effort seems to have worked, so if you see Justice Ginsburg on lot this summer, make sure to kick her down something solid. At least a nug or paper.

    The case was Calarco vs. Haters LLC

  2. Brian Wilson Has A Few Choice Words For Phish

    June 11, 2012 by RobertPalmerPlore

    Phish and Kenny Rogers best be careful because according to the guy who sleeps behind the Chipotle in beautiful Burbank California has shared with The Phunion that they have really pissed off some rock royalty.

    As everyone from Burlington to Houston now knows, Kenny Rogers joined Phish this past weekend at Bonnaroo for a wonderful rendition of The Gambler. But according to our source (the guy who sleeps behind the Chipotle in beautiful Burbank California) Brian Wilson is furious over the fact Phish didn’t invite him on stage to drool through a performance of Help Me, Rhonda>Harry Hood.

    Wilson was rumored to slur the following comment:

    “Those ginger hippie fucks snubbed me at Bridge School back in 1998 and then they did it again last night at Bonnaroo. I’m a fucking Beach Boy. I outlived Dennis and Carl. Do you really think we wanted to play some dirty Tennessee farm at 3:00 in the afternoon? I only signed on to play with the Phish and they snubbed me. God Only Knows what I will do when I find Mike Gordon and use one of his scarves as a weapon.”

    It should be pointed out that Wilson made his first appearance at the 1999 edition of Bridge School, a year after Phish graced the annual Northern California benefit concert. When The Phunion reached out to Phish about the possible threat, we were told they could not be reached for comment due to the fact they were practicing Down With Disease, Possum, Funky Bitch, Axilla, Cavern and all three sections of Harry Hood for their upcoming three day run at Bader Field in Atlantic City, NJ.



  3. String Cheese Incident Scalp Hula Hoops From Toys R Us

    June 6, 2012 by RobertPalmerPlore

    Earlier this year String Cheese Incident fans armed with fistfuls of cash headed into battle at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. The goal was to purchase tickets for the band’s July 13th gig with no service charge so String Cheese could re-sell the tickets to fans at face value.

    While reports are still coming in, String Cheese Incident has once again armed fans with money to clear out stores of supply. However instead of buying tickets from a venue box office they have sent fans into Toys R Us to purchase hula hoops with the plan to re-sell the plastic toys to fans at shows this summer.

    We here at The Phunion reached out to Michael Kang to ask him about this odd business practice. He told us any comments would be delivered via a butterfly at a later date.

    We did hit up a Toys R Us location in Burbank, CA where we talked to four year old Amanda Moore and she had the following to say:
    “I can’t believe those dirty crusty hippies bought all the Hula Hoops. Do you think I want to be caught dead playing with a Lalaloopsy Silly Hair Doll? I blame President Obama for this mess and a vote for Romney is a vote to end the hippie dream once and for all.”

    There are unconfirmed reports that Hula Hoops are still available at select Walgreen locations in the south, but with Bonnaroo just around the corner we find that hard to believe.


  4. Michael Franti to Enter Medical School

    June 5, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    Now, he will certainly try

    After years of repeatedly asking crowds at his live performances, ‘How You Feelin’?’, Michael Franti, world music artist will be entering medical school to become Dr. Michael Franti.

    “Yes, yes, all good things will come from being in medical school. The righteousness of healing, the dignity of bringing hope to the sick and the joy of improving the quality of life will lead to more love and peace to the world,” said Franti in a statement regarding his departure for the University of California at San Francisco, where he attended school as an undergraduate.

    He'll look like this, just with a stethoscope and sleeves, and probably the dreads tucked away

    Franti’s initial premonition came after a marathon set at Mountain Jam, where he asked the crowd a record 105 times in 90 minutes ‘How You Feelin’?’, “and when I left the stage, I had the thought ‘Why don’t I find out how to help people feel better, rather than just asking them?’ and from there, my decision was made.”

    Franti notes that he will start out in medical school likely making sure that his classmates are feeling good each day before delving into gross anatomy.

    Dr. Franti plans to perform shows on the road and assist injured fans on stage during special ‘medical sets’ at select festivals nationwide.

  5. Shares of Goldbond on the rise as Phish tour approaches

    June 4, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    Futures of the stock Goldbond (GBND), a medicated body powder are on the rise this morning as jamband Phish begins its tour later this week in Worcester, Massachusetts and sales are expected to increase over the summer. Many Phish fans being male will lead to an increase in this multi-use powder which dries, refreshes and alleviates the need for a shower, albeit temporarily. Phish has been a leading indicator of increased sales of Goldbond, Alcohol, hotel business and deals in the 1 for 3, 2 for 5 market.

    In other trading news, Molly shot up in early trading, although tomorrow morning the shares are likely to succumb to exhaustion and lead to a net loss for Brah Inc., which manufactures MDMA in mass quantities.

  6. Michael Kang and Jeff Austin play with each other’s Mandolin

    June 1, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    At a party somewhere between Red Rocks and Horning’s Hideout, Jeff Austin and Michael Kang had a moment where they were able to admire the other’s mandolin, without a crowd around them. Retreating to the woods to sit two fallen trees and pick, Jeff and Kang felt fortunate to get the opportunity to talk about mandolins, together, alone. The two men found each other plucking and tuning up. shortly upon nestling into seats aside trees and branches, one with nature.







    While Austin may be known for his staying power onstage and in key, his mandolin’s girth combined with his pure, raw energy was eye-popping. For a moment, Jeff Austin got jealous over Kang’s love of Trey’s tone, but Kang played the opening notes to “Sand” and Jeff melted and fell into the groove, letting bygones be bygones in one smooth mandolin jam. Jeff could relax though, he had played with Jon Fishman, which made him more than on par with Kang.

    Later, what the night brought was the pair playing the others mandolin. Kang remarked that he was surprised by the weight of Jeff”s mandolin and its shiny finish, while Jeff stared confusingly at  Kang’s petit goatee, trying to figure out what purpose it served.

    The pair capped off their mutual admiration of each other’s instrument by playing the other’s mandolin, back to back, so as not to look each other in the eye. Because that would be weird. They were last heard playing “Best Feeling”and noodling into “I Know You Rider”, before walking back to their friends, smiling contently about the other’s mandolin.