Adding to the electronica-heavy lineup at Camp Bisco X, Marc Brownstein today announced he would be kicking off his 1 man off-Park-Ave. show, “The Untz Monologues”
“I’ve been sitting on this puppy for a few years and I felt that Camp Bisco TEN was best place to take my career in a new direction. I’ll still be touring with The Disco Biscuits and Conspirator, but my talents are much more than just laying down bass for the masses. Spoken Word is true to my heart and I want to share that with everyone,” remarked Brownstein as he prepared to attend Phish’s SuperBall IX Festival.
While the previews of the show were close to the press, The Phunion has obtained exclusive transcripts of a portion of one of “The Untz Monologues”:
I’m just gonna ask you a few questions When was the first time you saw Untz? Were you at a show? Did you walk up to the band and think, like, what, what was that? Were you surprised at the sound? Did you dig the bass? Perhaps the drums? Where were you when you first learned about Untz?
Well, first I’d like to introduce Molly B. Untzington, complete with flat brim She is a fan of Untz It’s even in her……..name And when she first got into Untz, She found more of it and went to find a fresh supply. But sometimes, Untz is hard to find Some kidz go days, weeks, months without hearing it A high-powered treat for the ears Full of aural pleasures Enjoying it can be a full day’s work You’ve got to get DOWN son! This isn’t for the faint of heart Or lungs Or legs Or Epiglottis for that matter.
With a presence on stage evoking a young Henry Rollins, Brownstein hopes to popularize spoken word performances amongst the Bisco fan base. “It’s time to branch out, try something a little new and share my talents with others. I’ll have Simon Posford sit in for one of the monologues, although technically then it’s a dialogue. But at 2am Friday morning, semantics aren’t what the kidz want. It’s spoken word.”
With a hope of “Celebrating Untz”, the debut performance of “The Untz Monologues” will take place at Camp Bisco in the VIP tent Thursday shortly before The Disco Biscuits take the stage. Brownie’s performance will still ensure Bisco arrives on stage On Time.
While many Phish fans across the nation rejoiced as the Supreme Court approved same-sex marraige today, a wide majority of the male fans admitted that they were proud to be Gay for Trey. “I am Gay for Trey and proud to say it. Now I can legally marry my man Trey Anastasio!” proclaimed George McNeece of Augusta, Maine.
While Anastasio could not be reached for comment, the recent spike in traffic at Brianandrobert.com revealed a number of male Phish fans expressing love for a heterosexual, happily married man. One post from Treylover69 stated “This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I know he’ll love me. I’ve dreamt of him singing Let me Lie when I fall asleep in his hairy ginger arms.” When reached for comment on Trey’s heterosexuality, Treylover69 said “Well then why does he always look at me during shows huh? He’s always looking at me. You just don’t want me to be happy, do you?!”
There was a report this afternoon from Sue Anastasio on negative concerns she had of her spouse of 20 years who now had hundreds of pending marriage proposals. “While I’m not thrilled with the fan mail we’ve been getting, I have to admit, he made his bed, he’s gonna lie in it. Those guys could have been kept at bay with a simple flash of the wedding ring, but no, he sings that stupid ‘Dudes in the front row’ song during Bittersweet Motel and he’s surprised that these guys are in love with him? Well, he could have prevented this, but we’re getting a lot of flowers sent to the house and flowers are always nice.”
In an increasingly common move by Mother Nature, Tuesday night marked the first time in almost 6 years that veteran Phish fan Mother Nature used her power to control the forces of wind and rain to make a point to the assholes holding up signs throughout the Phish show.
Mother Nature, circa 2010 Furthur Tour
“Well, I went on Monday night to Alpharetta and having been quite busy with tornadoes and floods lately, I needed a break with my boys. I scored Mail Order tickets and had 5th row Page Side. Then I get to the show and see all the people with signs in the pit. As soon as the show started, the signs went up and they just never seemed to go down. I’m only 5’5″ and can’t see over signs that completely block my view of the band”, Mother Nature reported in a post-show interview with The Phunion Tuesday Night.
“I mean, what the fuck? You have a sign, the band sees it, they play a song, you PUT IT THE FUCK DOWN! This is a Phish show, not a sign show. If I want to read signs, I’ll go for a fucking drive.”
Mother Nature reportedly had hew view blocked for a majority of the first set and made the decision to enjoy the show from the lawn. “Well, it makes sense I would prefer the lawn, but its been since Miami 2009 since I last saw Phish and really wanted to actually SEE them. The lawn was great, I mean, I’m Mother Nature, those blades are like my children. It was a great show from where I was on the lawn. I even met up with some nice folks from the Northeast who showed me such kindness I laid off the humidity this week.”
However, when Mother Nature returned home that night, all she could remember was how her awesome seats were blocked by signs that she had no power to control. Until she decided to take matters into her own hands. Unsure as to whether or not this was a tour trend or just a one time thing, she awaited arrival to the show to make a determination.
“This isn’t like the breakup in 2004 when I flooded all of Vermont for a summer, just out of pure spite for them breaking up JUST as I was getting ready to hand the reigns over to my assistant so I could go on tour more often. This was not as calculated, just an impulse.” Added Mother Nature, “I think I’m bi-polar.”
Moody and uneven-tempered, Mother Nature saw kids laughing about what signs to make, so much so that fans were selling posters for fans to make signs saying ‘Cavern’, ‘Golgi’, ‘Bouncin’ and ‘Fluffhead’. “That was the last straw. Fluffhead? As if they don’t fucking play that song enough. Right then and there, I had to make a stand.”
Using her innate powers of wind, water, earth and fire, Mother Nature began a storm system in Northeast Alabama that she hoped would soak the signs before they were able to be held up, again blocking her view. But the more this tempestous deity thought about it, the more she got upset and that’s when the storm started.
Artists rendering of Mother Nature when she isn't a total cunt
“I’ll admit, it got out of hand. I can be a raging bitch sometimes and this is a fine example. I’ll have nice weather at times, but get on my bad side and the gloves come off. Do not fuck with me.”
The rain was coming down steadily during the first set and only intensified when a phan with a ‘Runaway Jim’ sign held it up during the storm, and that was the proverbial last straw. Mother Nature let loose on all of Northern Georgia, yet in the middle of her angry display of weather, the band started Mound, which led to all the signs going up that said ‘Mound’. That’s when things got rough.”
“Yeah, I need therapy. Or zanax. I couldn’t find a single pharmie on lot beforehand, and I wish I had. Seriously, I need a prescription but can’t get one because I’ll just sell it for molly. It’s a terrible circle. You can tell that I need help. But I’m the only Mother Nature the planet has, so I have to try to keep my shit together. This was not one of my finer moments.”
While fans retreated to the bathrooms for shelter, Mother Nature slowly calmed down, realizing what she had created. As she dissipated the storm that had become an instant memory in the lore of Phish, she felt bad and prayed that the band would return to the stage. “When they did come back, all I could think was “Please, play Mound again, I haven’t seen one since 12/31/02, far too long. Plus, all those fucking signs were soaked by now and there was nothing for these assholes to hold up but their dicks. And we all know those aren’t going to block anyone’s view.”
As the band broke into Mound, Mother Nature let the storm pass and kept up appearances with some rain while she enjoyed the entire second set, especially ‘The Birdwatcher’ and ‘Kung’. “Let’s just say those songs have a deep connection to the earth, the deep tones; all was forgiven then. I’ve even given the rest of the tour nice weather as a result.”
“But really, I’m sorry it came to this. I didn’t mean for things to get out of hand. I need to go to therapy. I could use some more Phish but these signs are killing me. I have my ticket to Superball IX and with a large crowd like that, signs are kinda useless unless you get really close, so hopefully shit doesnt start again. I try, but really, its a hard job.”
“I was first attracted to Phish because of The Waterwheel Foundation, which is sort of near and dear to my everything. I try to get on tour when I can but this is a full-time worldwide job that I just can’t leave for a bit. I do that, The Maldives disappear beneath the ocean for good.”
When reached for comment, God said, “Look, I’ve told you before, just call me Trey. And don’t piss off Mother Nature. Sanity never came her way.” At that moment, Trey/God then took cover as his delicate ginger skin began to burn under the increasing heat from the sun. “See, told you so. Now what song did she want to hear?”
With Phish’s marketing department creating fan favorites such as merit badges, venue specific shirts and DVDs of every single show played since DVDs were invented, Phish has moved into the adult film market. As their fanbase ages, new and exciting offerings need to be incorporated into Phish Dry Goods and the first of these adult offerings is tentatively titled ‘Mike’s Dong’.
With a story line focusing on a guy named Mike who is trapped in time and doesn’t know what to do, he decides to share in the groove with busty blonde ‘Pipeher’. The rest of the movie involves a variety of sex scenes that meander far away from the storyline, akin to ‘jamming’.
Future titles will be released in coming months, including Superballs XXX, Twatzer, Divided Legs 46 and Fuck Your Face.