This week, Dave Schools’, bassist for Widespread Panic, debuted his long-awaited cologne, ‘Barbecue Sauce’. Aimed at the southern gentleman, the fragrance comes in 10 ounce, 16 ounce and 32 ounce sizes with a sauce brush for easy application. With hints of molasses, sugar and Waffle House leftovers, the cologne will be sold through Widespread Panic’s website and can be purchased at upcoming shows across the country.
Schools’ recommends putting a dab of ‘Barbecue Sauce’ on each wrist and following it with a stiff swig from the bottle, like he does. “I’ve been wearing Barbecue Sauce for years and it makes the ladies flock. I fully recommend trying a little on next time you go to the drag race, monster truck rally, or see WSP sux it up on tour.”
Schools’ release marks the second time a member of a Jamband has released a fragrance, following the 2003 release of Warren Haynes’ ‘Overexposed’
With great concern for the safety of thousands of fans of The Disco Biscuits, it was revealed today that drummer Allen Aucoin is not governed by Asimov’s 3 Laws of Robotics.
The three laws were made famous by author Isaac Asimov in his short story, ‘Runaround’, detailing the laws by which all positronic robots are governed. The laws are:
1. A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
As reported by Benjy Eisen to The Phunion, Aucoin was watching ‘I, Robot’ prior to the band’s recent show at The Sherman Theater in Stroudsburg, PA. When the movie began and the three laws were recited on the screen, Aucoin laughed maniacally, startling Eisen. Aucoin then took off his shirt, drenched in sweat even when not drumming, and pulled open his stomach and rib cage to reveal the inner-mechanics that allow Aucoin to operate as only a robot could behind the drumkit.
This is what Allen Aucoin looks like inside
While rumors of Aucoin being more than human, there has never been any confirmation of this. Aside from an ‘asthmaattack‘ that forced the drummer to miss The Disco Biscuits New Years run of shows to end 2010, there has been no evidence other than drumming that is viewed as near impossible by even a trio of drummers, let alone one man. When rumors surfaced that Aucoin’s asthma attack was a cleverly covered up malfunction of his Interface Adapter due to the intense snowstorms that hit the east coast around Christmastime, fans began to wonder if Aucoin truly was a robot. This curiosity was dashed upon Molly showing up and everyone forgetting about what they were talking about.
Eisen immediately was concerned that Aucoin would harm him and took a defensive position behind boxes of unsold copies of ‘Planet Anthem’ that were scattered about the band’s tour bus. The grin and subsequent quiet laugh from Aucoin was followed by a request for Eisen to return to his seat, as he was not in danger. Aucoin assured Eisen that he would never allow harm to come to him, let alone other members of The Disco Biscuits or their crew; although Aucoin is not bound by The Three Laws anymore than he is bound to his Colts jersey, he does not seek to do harm to humans. As for the jersey, Aucoin revealed it was to show quiet support for fellow robot Peyton Manning.
One of these guys is really a robot
While The Three Laws are followed by all positronic robots, Aucoin is showing signs of self-awareness and moving beyond the limits imposed on him by his creator, Dr. Sammy Altman. While Altman was preparing to leave the Disco Biscuits for medical school in 2005, he knew that a replacement for his skill was going to be nearly impossible to find. So in the best interests of the band and utilizing an immense knowledge of robotics culled from years of reading Asimov, Altman designed Aucoin to replace him. This included programming all Disco Biscuit songs ever played into 500 terrabyte memory and infusing within it every known recording of electronic music ever played, worldwide. He was given the robot name ‘Dr. Fameus’, an allusion to Altman’s future Ph.D and the potential fame that would come from inventing the greatest robot-drummer ever.
Aucoin never let on that he was a robot, even on Halloween
The final step for Altman was making his drumming-robot to look as unassuming as possible. Choosing to make the robot a short and skinny redhead was a wise decision, as no one would assume a ginger to be a robot. With Aucoin rarely speaking, the allure of the ‘quiet’ new drummer was enough for fans to accept. A backstory was created by Altman for Aucoin, detailing a past history of drumming in bands including Skydog Gypsy, Juiceman and 922, all of which no one had seen before.
While fans are in no immediate danger from Aucoin, they can be reassured that Tilden’s Three Guiding Principles for Robots are still embedded deep within Aucoin’s basic memory. These rules:
1. A robot must protect its own existence at all costs
2. A robot must obtain and mantain access to its own power source
3. A robot must continually search for better power sources.
These laws are reflected in Aucoin’s efforts to keep his robot identity a secret (#1) continually tour with The Disco Biscuits and as Dr. Fameus (#2) and continually playing drums whenever the opportunity presents itself (#3). No word as to whether or not the Singularity will affect Aucoin’s playing with The Disco Biscuits, although Marc Brownstein notes that ‘The Singularity’ sounds off the hook and can’t wait to see them live.
Changing the image of the reunited band’s JOY album that was released in 2009, Page McConnell confirmed today that the song Sugar Shack which is credited to bandmate Mike Gordon was initially written by McConnell as the deli-ode Sandwich Shack.
Page said, “I brought it to the band, we went over it for a few weeks and finally we just scrapped it. Mike then revised it to be Sugar Shack and got Fish and Trey behind it; After that, I just couldn’t keep my name on it.”
Lyrics that were reported to have changed were “Boiling heat, maple steam, frozen snow, then it flows’ were originally “Curing pastrami, maple butter, fresh rye bread, I can eat till I’m dead” and “Run through pale dark woods to that sugar shack” originally written as “Run through pale dark woods to that sandwich shack”
No word yet from Trey if Time Turns Elastic was actually intended to be a song for fans to use as a bathroom/beer/food break.
Herb McBongington, Esq., Water Plant Superintendent for the Village of Wilmette, Illinois is treating today like any other day, regardless of the celebrations held by marijuana enthusiasts on April 20th.
“I really don’t understand why people think this day means anything to me. Today is Wednesday, April 20th. Yet I get a dozen or more Facebook friend requests, people post on my wall saying ‘Dude, you must LOVE this day!’ and late last night I had the pleasure of kicking a couple of kids off my property who were smoking cigarettes. I just don’t get it,” McBongington said with dismay.
McBongington is one of many throughout America who have the misfortune to have a name that is synonymous with one or more marijuana references, as well as the lack of foresight to realize the connection. Mike Pot, John Digweed, Smokin’ Joe Frazier, Marianne ZigZag, Eddy Kush, and Bud Smokesalot are in a category of Americans who are without connection to 4/20 and revile the day’s and fans. Although they do not partake in the stinky weed, and in many cases are tolerant of its use, they loathe being expected to take part in the day’s festivities and typically call in sick or go out of town. ‘I go as far from civilization as I can for this one day’, said John Digweed. ‘I got tired of playing shows on 4/20 because I simply couldn’t turn down weed fast enough and finally said Fuckitall. Now I go to an undisclosed location and meditate”
Marijuana enthusiast John ‘Sour D’ D’Amato commented, “Yeah I got something you can use to help you mediate digWEED! Hell yeah! I bet you smoke a fuckton of weed today son!” D’Amato then discussed Dr. Seuss’s connection to 4/20 before laughing hysterically and collapsing onto the sidewalk.
McBongington likes Digweed’s plan, but can’t see ditching work for a day and tries to avoid all contact with would-be stoners as much as he can for the duration of the day. “I simply got up this morning, drove to work and attended to a water pipe, which had burst early in the morning due to overuse.” Continued McBongington, “What’s so funny?”
Scientists at the National Institute for Heady Health (NIHH) reported today that a cure for Wook Flu was found in the unlikeliest of sources, the dreads of wooks. Dr. Henry Gabel reported that inspecting the dreads of dozens of donor wooks resulted in discovering, isolating and examining the cause of Wook Flu which was derived from remnants of Sammy Smith bottles.
The Root cause of Wook Flu was found within this mass of dreads
Wook Flu has been known to affect festival and concert-goers for the past decade, with a report 5,000 Wook Flu cases after Phish’s Fall 2010 Tour alone. A cure has been in the works for the past 4 years, once enough wooks made themselves available for non-invasive testing and answered a questionnaire regarding their travel and medical history. While most could not recall the last time they had seen a doctor, many wooks had traveled extensively around the country in the years prior, leading to the conclusion that the virus that causes Wook Flu is a composite of multiple strains of Sketch from across the country.
Once the Sketch finds its way into a wook’s body, it makes its way to the most protected area in the body, the dreads. With no risk for washing or coming into contact with disinfectant, Wook Flu can then spread when dreads touch a passerby or when an unknowing admirer of the glass beads in the hair handles them, making themselves the carrier and infecting dozens through casual contact throughout the night.
With the strain of Wook Flu under quarantine, along with five wooks who were labeled a public health hazard, NIHH officials hope to have a vaccine ready by August 2011 and Phish Summer Tour’s Second Leg. Inoculations will cost 1 for 3, 2 for 5 and will be available exclusively on lot.
With demand for nitrous rising with each festival season, The Nitrous Mafia is planning to make its product more accessible to customers through their own App, tentatively titled’Ice Cold Fatties’.
Available for the iPhone, BlackBerry and Droid smartphones, ‘Ice Cold Fatties’ will provide up to date location at each Phish show, Widespread Panic show and music festival throughout the country. Pull up the App and you can find out where the Nitrous Mafia is set up outside of a concert. As a bonus, ‘Ice Cold Fatties’ is currently in Beta testing for a delivery service whereby you can order balloons to be delivered to your car or campsite at no extra charge. This will be available at select summer festivals, although not Camp Bisco and Gathering of the Vibes.
The price for the App is $20 and the cost for each order through the Beta delivery service will be 3 for $20. There will be no deals.
Another delivery from The Nitrous Mafia
While centered in the Northeast, through the App, the Nitrous Mafia expects to expand from current hubs in Providence, RI and Philadelphia, PA into the midwest and eventually, the west coast. Chuck Fist, spokesman for the Nitrous Mafia noted that locations are being scouted for the growing nitrous market that has become a $3 Billion dollar industry and has secured its first Washington lobbyist from K Street. “We really think we have a good chance to expand our market and get our product out to consumers. We have a tentative base in Indianapolis, which provides access to the markets of Chicago, Cincinnatti, Louisville and in a pinch, Detroit, although we are having a hard time finding workers to set foot in that town. Shits crazy there man”
While the Nitrous Mafia is branching out throughout the country and via phone Apps, there are unconfirmed reports that the Nitrous Mafia will soon allow credit card billing of nitrous. Cards will be charged via wawawawawawawawawawawawawawawah.com
Following three years of regular reporting on the Phish community, websiteYEMblog.com will be release its Initial Public Offering (IPO) and be traded on the S&P 500 starting 4/11/11. The surge in Phish related content since the announcement in October 2008 that the band would reunite in March 2009 has allowed YEMblog to become the #1 Phish news source on the Internet; the advertising dollars alone have allowed for an army of correspondents to go on Phish tour and cover every aspect of Phish news throughout the course of each year.
Traders/Fans getting ready for the opening bell/notes of the trading day/set
ScottBernstein, editor of YEMblog is ecstatic about the prospect of the IPO. “This is truly something I never expected, but hey, we have a great site and I hope that we can continue to provide every bit of Phish news to the world as possible.” Bernstein then returned to working on four simultaneous projects.
There was no word if the official site for Phish news, Phish.com, would be similarly offered on Dow Jones Indexes, but it is presumed Dan Greenhaus will weigh in on the potential on CNBC this week, with no less than five Phish references, including an obscure TombstoneBlues Band reference than only three fans will get.
YEMblog’s IPO is expected to go as high as $38 but Phish fans will most likely drop the price down to a manageable and memorable $4.20. No word yet if shares on the S&P 500 can be sold 1 for 3, 2 for 5.
In a startling turnaround, Page McConnell today declared his 4 day retirement from active sandwich duty over. Citing a grave concern over local Burlington eateries Mirabelles and Cobbstone Deli contemplating closing their doors in the wake of sandwich strikes held by local Vermonters to urge Page to return to his sandwich eating ways, Page announced the following statement.
“Four days ago, I thought my sandwich eating days were behind me. How wrong I was. The outpouring of support has overwhelmed me like a 6-foot sub, and I can’t go on like this. I need some cold cuts and break and chipotle mayo and banana peppers, stat.”
Sources indicated that Jared from Subway contacted McConnell Saturday afternoon while Page was making an inaugural batch of Mulligatawny soup. Jared and Page reportedly spoke for an hour to try and convince him that soup was not who he was and that sandwiches needed Page. Later commenting on what he said to The Chairman of the Smorgasbord, “I will be Page Side, Rage Side with a Pulled Pork sandwich, you know I have your back Leo. Now go out there and get yourself a muffaletta, you know you love that shit.”
With Page back in form and prepared for Summer Tour, he is already looking forward to the recently announced SuperBall IX, and will have his own ‘From the Archives’ show each day, just before lunch, to read a list of his favorite sandwiches that have been eaten prior to, and during, select Phish shows. Early speculation abounds as to whether or not Page’s recipe for his Dagwood Reuben from Clifford Ball will be shared, as it is the rarest of all Page’s sandwiches over the years and has an unknown ratio of Corned Beef to Mortadella
Page McConnell, piano and keyboard player for Phish announced today that he would be retiring from Active Sandwich Duty, marking a departure from his favorite past time – making and eating sandwiches.
“I was just exhausted from all the sandwiches, the options, the types of bread. I finally had to draw a line in the mustard and say enough was enough. I’m full.” McConnell retired to his home this morning and began the arduous task of cleaning out years worth of frill toothpicks, sandwich platters, and Vlasic pickles. In a matter of hours, it was all over and Page’s house was nearly empty aside from a lonely piano that once belonged to Jared from Subway.
Lamenting his decision, McConnell discussed his culinary roots. “Growing up, I loved Blondie, not for the humor, but because Dagwood could eat the biggest damn sandwiches ever. I aspired to be him. I could eat those sandwiches in my sleep, which led to an unfortunate choking incident. That was when I realized I had to hang up the Ciabatta.”
Page received a great deal of support from bandmates Trey Anastasio, Mike Gordon and Jon Fishman in his struggle to break with a lifelong love. “He’s gotten more fanmail that the rest of us, all on account of his sandwich habit. It’s not natural” said Gordon, who hasnt been able to break bread with McConnell because of Page’s nasty habit of spreading mayo on the bread the moment it is broken.
Fishman was more startled by the pictures fans sent of them eating sandwiches. “There was one chick, she was drop dead gorgeous, but she used French’s Mustard, Page’s favorite, to write ‘Strange Design’ on her chest. Page took one look at it and was drooling, and it wasn’t over her cans either. That’s when I knew it had gone too far.”
Trey became concerned that Page would become a caricature of his former self. “I think I can speak from experience and say that we didn’t want that to happen. Besides, the dude should really try a steak or slice of pizza every so often, provided he doesn’t put it between two pieces of bread.”
Page hopes he can get past this part of his life and move forward playing with Phish in a sandwich-free world. “I hope that I can one day become a ‘soup guy’, and become knowledgeable in the soups of the words. Those would take longer to enjoy and sample, so that might be my next route. I’m thinking about playing some Jimmy John’s with Vida Blue, but that might be too much.”