On the heels of Instagram’s announcement that all your pictures are now their’s to sell and use as they please, Dick’s Sporting Goods Park in Commerce City, Colorado, has updated their Concert Attendance Policy, affecting some 20-30,000 Phish fans. As of September 2nd, 2013, all Phish fans who attend or have attended a Phish show at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park will now become new employees of Dick’s and assigned to the store closest to their home.
In explaining the new policy, Senior Director of Venue Operations, Allison Hamilton, explained, saying “We are happy to have Phish fans come to the park and enjoy the shows here, but we have to think like a business and having Phish fans learn from their experience here and become store employees will improve our staffing ability, build the brand name and ensure that these fans are making money while waiting for the next shows.”
She added, “Yes, every Phish fans will have a guaranteed week off the end of August to come to shows at Dick’s and a few days in early September to recuperate, then it’s back to work. We want you here dancing and having fun, but the rest of the years, its time to work.”
In fact, it turns out you might be working at Dick’s already and not know it! Early training is taking place for some fans who have said in the past “I will NEVER miss a Phish show at Dick’s, EVER”, leading Dick’s to have the authority to compel these fans to be their new employees.
Phish fans will be able to work in a variety of departments, although camping and fishing gear is likely where everyone will end up.
The only way out for fans is to not go to the Labor Day weekend shows, which means your face will not get fucked, nor will you get all the S’s you could ask for. Basically, its either work for Dick’s or no Phish at Dick’s for you.
“Our updated terms of service help protect you, and prevent the casual relationship from going dry”, said Dick’s CEO and Chairman Ed Stack. He followed up saying, “And by the way, these new Phish fans serving as Dick’s employees will be specifically known as Dickheads.”