Inspired by Jam Panties and those silly knickers Phan Art is always trying to sell, Phish plans to move into the more adult oriented merchandise world. The band plans to unleash several new sex toys which will be available during summer tour. We here at The Phunion got a sneak peak at them and let’s just say kinkster Phish fans who are looking for something a bit harder than #UmphLove are in for a treat.
Don’t kid yourselves perverts, you had to have that. What’s that you ask? The Wombat blow up doll. With this great new toy, you won’t need to worry about moving forward, you only have to focus on giving it in the behind. Sorry Phans, Abe Vigoda is not included.
Punch You In The Brown Eye:
It’s no secret that wooks love butt sex. What better way to warm your dread locked lover up than with the Punch You In The Brown Eye butt plug. Shaped like a fish, this mid-size back side joy ride’s only downside is that lot dogs could confuse it for a chew toy. The plug will be available in several colors including the Fishman donut pattern ™.
Bouncing Around The Ben Wa Balls:
If a woman is rather hard to keep, well, we can’t legally suggest that you tie her up. However, if you want her to dance above you as you sink, may we suggest these incredible Bouncing Around The Ben Wa Balls? Made with only the finest material, these won’t fall out of your lovely lady as she rages during a massive second set Down With Disease.
Paul & Silas Handcuffs:
Want to keep your man bound and chained all night long? The Paul & Silas handcuffs are the perfect thing for you. Limited to three pairs a show, each cuff will feature the shows date and venue engraved into the stainless steel.
While many of us hope to see a second jam return to Mike’s Song, with Mike’s Dong, you can jam it as many times as you (or your partner) can handle. Bigger than the bass bombs Gordon drops during those all so sacred moments, this thing is massive. 2 ounces of Weekapaug Lube included with all purchases.
While many will tell you that ball gags and nooses simply don’t mix, Master Palmer isn’t concerned with your safety. This extremely hardcore set will rock your favorite submissive harder than the 9/14/99 version of the song that this naughty treat takes its name from. This item is only recommended for people who saw Phish before the hiatus.
Phish has asked all us to stress the importance of a safe word to each and everyone of you debating buying these products. Trey has personally requested that you use ‘Fuego’ as your safe word, since it worked so well for him last summer.
In light of whiny Summer Camp fans creating a petition to have EDM-Duo Krewella removed from the festival’s lineup, Phish fans have petitioned to have Phish removed from the lineup of MagnaBall.
“We just think that Trey will be all Jerry’d out by the end of tour and wanking some noodly solos from 1973 and we just don’t want it to come to that, so we started this petition,” per petition author Jeremy Duckhill. “Besides, there are better bands who can play Phish’s festival. We had Del McCoury Band, Ozomatli, The Slip and, jah rest his soul, Son Seals at Oswego. Surely we can bring a new, fresh act to play for the 30,000 who attend this summer’s festival.”
Inspired by Glastonbury attendees asking for a replacement for Kanye West’s appearance this coming summer, the hope is that a true jam band can replace Phish. Early reports indicate Umphrey’s McGee is the early frontrunner as they have been able to hold their own at such major festivals at Summer Camp and that other one they play a lot. Additionally, Brendan Bayliss, Joel Cummins and Andy Farag were already planning to make the trip to Watkins Glen, so bringing the other 3, just in case, shouldn’t be too tall an order.
When reached for comment, Mike Gordon didn’t acknowledge the petition but simply said ‘No.’
For the second year in a row, Umphrey’s McGee left the safe and cozy Hollywood club scene and headed south to Koreatown for their obligatory visit to Southern California. Typically reserved for undersold STS9 and Widespread Panic gigs, the Wiltern Theatre is one of the classier venues Los Angeles has for live music entertainment. You could imagine our shock when the band’s publicity team turned us down for media credentials for what was to be another undersold and under-appreciated jam band gig in the city of Angels. We use Peter Jennings as our Twitter AVI for Jake’s sake. Apparently the joke was on us as we showed up to the Art Deco theatre and discovered that there were actually 2,000 people willing to see Umphrey’s McGee in Los Angeles on a Friday night.
As one would imagine, the lot scene was off the charts. Contained to a multi-story parking structure, we put our Fitbit to the test walking up and down looking for any sign of life before show time. Unfortunately for us all we found was some dude named Burton who was listening to the 3/6/09 “Squirming Coil” while drinking a Blue Moon. Not one for conversation, we decided perhaps we would just hit the street. From bacon wrapped hot dogs to heavy metal flavored t-shirts, Wilshire and Western was bumping with vendors willing to accept both US and Mexican currency. Not one for bacon, we soon discovered the best pre-party to be had was drinks at Beer Belly with the legendary Stardog97.
One simply does not Umph alone. The Phunion’s Mexican Cousin had a tough time on a freeway in Los Angeles as porn stars flooded the 101 out of Chatsworth heading home from a long week of bukkake and gang bangs. An old Dead Head who had never heard of Umphrey’s McGee, his security search took longer than mine because he is brown. Once we made it into the venue, we showed our driver’s license in exchange for those fancy paper bracelets that always end up removing several strands of arm hair. A small sacrifice to pay for the right to purchase 20 ounces of Lagunitas IPA for $16 plus tip.
We found our seats up in the balcony midway through the set of the opening act for the evening, Joshua Redman and the Revivalists. While well respected Fox News analyst Hey Scotty B! would describe the act as a New Orleans Led Zeppelin, we feel this statement couldn’t be further from the truth. What we saw was O.A.R. with the kid who lost American Idol to Kelly Clarkson on vocals. Shit has piss poor musical reality show written all over it. If that is your thing, more power to you, but why would a band that covers the likes of Tool and Rage Against The Machine bring out something so manufactured is mind boggling?! If you want to give 1,900 dudes and 100 women a true taste of New Orleans, do the world a favor and at least give us Goatwhore.
Before Umphrey’s played their first set, we met the drummer of local band Headless Robot. He was a unique character with ironic upper lip hair. He spewed words like an Eddie Van Jake Cinninger guitar solo. He has never heard of The Phunion and we have never heard of his band so we are pretty much even. Then Umphrey’s came out and played a set of music. They thanked Los Angeles. I think two of them had a baseball cap on, but it may have been three. Some dude named Waffle gave us an orgasm and a seizure at the same time. It was wild, you had to be there.
Set break was a pretty crazy scene. With the dude to chick ratio way out of whack, the lower bathrooms flooded at the venue. Apparently the 1,887 dudes in Phish shirts really enjoy their $16 plus tip beer. This forced everyone upstairs where the demand for the seven places to defecate was higher than the demand for Dead 50 tickets. It should also be reported that the venue sold out of Haribo Gummy Bears after wooks went ham on the delicious fat free treat and we were stuck surviving off Sour Patch Kids for the second set. The musical highlight of the evening also occurred during set break, as the band spun “Ænima” by Tool much to the delight of the asshole who wore an Amon Amarth shirt to the show.
That second set started off with a lot of notes right in a row. Suffering from a severe lack of showers, bassist Ryan Stasik had some sweet dance moves while rocking an outfit that looked as if he was a member of 311. They brought Redman out a lot, but not the Redman you are thinking of. They also put several people to sleep in the balcony. The best part of the show was the 52 seconds that they sounded like Meshuggah. The worst part of the show was the lack of cape on Joel Cummins. If you are not going to go balls deep into the heavy and play music with a dude who sings like he does, you need a fucking cape. We asked our intern to do a quick Google search thinking perhaps they don’t have vegan capes, but he gave us ‘tude and mentioned he was refreshing the Natalie Cressman Twitter feed just in case she pulled a Hayley Williams. Remind us to never take on an intern from UCLA again.
In sticking with the spirit of Los Angeles, we left at the encore break to beat traffic. Such a Dodgers fan move but we wanted Taco Bell cause YOLO. This of course meant we missed a “Plunger” encore dedicated to us, but hey, we at the Phunion don’t need the ego boost because sometimes Mike Gordon responds to our tweets. Besides, if anyone should be grateful for an ego boost it’s Umphrey’s McGee. Playing over 391 shows a year for 9 consecutive years the group should be proud that their hard work is paying off. In a town where Trey Anastasio can bring roughly 5,000 people out to the Hollywood Bowl, the Attention Deficit jam rockers are now a solid second tier option for all the transplants who can no longer get nearly enough Phish shows.
In a quest for authenticity at the ‘Core Four’ shows this July 3-5, and to placate Deadheads who are upset with the choice of guitarist, Phish front man Trey Anastasio announced today that he will amputate the middle finger on his right hand in order to strive for more authenticity during the shows.
When reached for comment, Anastasio noted that virulently angry Deadheads gave him no choice, and that if he was going to play Wolf, he was going to do so the way Jerry did – with four fingers and lots of fried food in his stomach. “Look I can’t say how much of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity this is for me, so if I have to go the extra mile for this, so be it. I’ll have the surgery soon so I can heal and practice to find Jerry’s four finger sound.” Anastasio then lamented having to deep fry his beloved Clif Bars and opt for buttermilk instead of cold green tea.
Needless to say, Phish fans were upset, but The Phunion can confirm that the superfluous digit will be reattached in time for Phish’s Summer Tour and will not interfere with Trey’s flubbing.
You’re headed to Vegas and you want a little something other than Acey Duecey, Pai-gow Poker and $5 slot machines. What’s a Phish fan to do with all that trust fund money? The Phunion has the answer – Phish Prop Bets.
Find The Phunion and make bets on the following and WIN BIG! Unless Phish plays wingsuit>Velvet Sea for an encore, then we all suffer collectively.
PLACE YOUR BETS!!!
555, Fuego, Wingsuit are played, Odds: 1 to 1
A Mike’s Song over 8 minutes, Odds: 8 to 1
A Mike;s with a second jam, Odds: 100 to 1
Harpua, Odds: 1000 to 1
Icculus, Odds: 10000 to 1
Lushington, Odds: 82914 to 1
Antelope Greg ejected by security, Odds: 450 to 1
Trey nails guitar parts in Sugar Shack, Odds: 5000 to 1
Ghost played on Halloween, Odds: 3 to 2
Nitrous Mafia set up by the Wheel of Fortune slots, Odds: 25 to 1
Led Zeppelin album cover, Odds: 3 to 1
Arcade Fire album cover, Odds: 35 to 1
Phish fans don’t complain or bitch about this Fall Tour being lackluster: 9.3 x 10^6
With Phish probably, maybe so, maybe not playing an album this Halloween show, The Phunion got together and came up with a list of random covers that Phish should play instead of some album everyone is going to bitch about anyway. Add your ideas in the comments below:
Beck “Golden Age”, just to cause stats confusion.
“Viva Las Vegas” with special guest vocalist Jello Biafra.
Foo Fighters “The Pretender”, since Dave Grohl needs the money.
The Doobie Brothers’ “Jesus is Just Alright With Me”, because they already played “Jesus Left Chicago” and this will appease The Phellowship.
Daft Punk “Voyager”, to show that no matter what, Phish is better than Umphrey’s at everything.
ELO “Evil Woman”, dedicated to Page’s ex-wife, Sophie.
Trey Anastasio Band “Liquid Time”, yes, we called it a TAB song.
Taylor Swift “Shake”, Phish’s way of bringing attention to Parkinson’s.
Ozzy Osbourne “No More Tears”, dedicated to the Coventry Wading.
Megan Trainor “All About That Bass”, since it’s better than ‘Contact’ ever was.
Metallica “Master of Puppets” – is Fishman on par with Lars? Doubtful, but this will prove it either way.
The debate is over. All this talk of what tier some jambands are on is now settled. We used 3 scientific calculators, an abacus, two slide rules and a map of the stars to come up with this list. The result: a definitive list of jambands, ranked by tier
1st Tier – Phish
There is no other band in this tier for a reason.
2nd Tier – Grateful Dead, Widespread Panic, Bassnectar, Umphrey’s McGee
The Dead would be higher, but they couldn’t handle their shit.
3rdTier – Mike Gordon Band, Allman Brothers Band, Disco Biscuits, Gov’t Mule
Allmans would be higher but too many cancelled shows and we cant make the Beacon shows now.
4thTier – moe., Trey Anastasio Band, Dave Matthews Band, The Black Crowes, Hot Tuna, Tom Petty
AKA, the Dad Rock tier.
5th Tier – String Cheese Incident, The Motet, EOTO, Yonder Mountain String Band, Leftover Salmon, Big Head Todd and the Monsters
Colorado gets its own tier because Colorado is super fucking heady.
6thTier – The Big Wu, Blues Traveler, Spin Doctors, Keller Williams
Remember this tier? Nostalgia at its finest.
Tier 6.9 – Grace Potter
7thTier – The Nocturnals
8thTier – Galactic, Pat McGee Band, Conspirator, Lettuce, Soulive, Max Creek
Respectable company if you like good music.
9thTier – Dopapod, Papadosio, Twiddle, Pigeons Playing Ping Pong, Spafford, Aqueous, Turkuaz
Hop on the bandwagon fast before these bands explode
10thTier – RAQ, The New Mastersounds, Zach Deputy, Everyone Orchestra, STS9, Perpetual Groove
We didn’t know what tier to put these in so they go here.
11thTier – The Mars Volta, Clutch, Moss, Between The Buried and Me, Deafheaven, Meshugah, Mastodon
Metal Progrock bands are the original Jamband you hippies
12thTier – Kung Fu, Particle
The ‘Late night bands for when you are peaking’ tier.
13thTier – no one
Bad vibes on this tier brah.
14thTier – McLovins, Digital Tape Machine, Ha Ha the Moose, Addison Grove Project, Deep Banana Blackout, Ekoostik Hookah, G Love and Special Sauce, Pork Tornado, Zero, Vida Blue
15thTier – Lawn Boys, Phix, The Jauntee, Cubensis, Chum and any other Phish cover bands/wannabes
Stop trying to be Phish. Just stop.
Phish fans convened in Commerce City, Colorado last weekend and based on early reports from local economists, the state of Colorado is drug free for the first time in its history.
“They cleaned us out man. It was unreal”, reported dispensary manager Geoff Monohan. “And you thought that Sand was awesome Sunday night? Dude, you know nothing.
Our store was basically raped.”
Phish fans descending upon Denver en masse has been an annual occurrence since 2011 when he band began playing at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. While it has become clear that Phish and their fans love Dick’s, fans are showing their love for Colorado’s liberalized marijuana laws to the point of looting.
“They came in and bought it up: grams, shatter, edibles. Then they bought drugs downtown and the dealers were cleaned out. Before we knew it, Denver was a drug desert.”
The Babys Mouth didn’t help either. Monahan admitted that even reinforcements from California were no match. “There isn’t any ketamine in a 3 state radius! What is everyone going to do when Lotus plays Red Rocks?!”
It didn’t stop with drugs either. The Phellowship hoarded Flintstones Vitamins across town, while Mr. Miner drank every Starbucks dry just so he could keep listening the the hidden messages in Friday night’s ‘Simple’.
With Phish expected to play Dick’s in 2015, the state of Colorado is already planning to encourage local home growers to hit Shakedown early as demand will surely exceed supply.
I’ve held off on writing about moe. for a decade — or about the length of the average Recreational Chemistry— so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in moe. can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.
Bassist Rob Derhak asleep at a recent moe. gig
• Individual achievement is not a big factor in jam bands. In a real jam band, players rock vacuums or fight bells — all in front of a crowd. When Trey Anastasio rip chords into Backwards Down The Number Line, he knows not to check his Twitter page. But there’s also individual glory in muumuu’s, solo projects, and being able to eat more buffalo wings than that one dude in Widespread Panic.
In moe., the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and only Topper’s self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed fans are called “moe.rons,” not “close family and friends of the band.”
Do they even have MVPs in moe.? Everyone just runs up and down the fret board, every once in a while, Chuck kicks Al’s ass on a solo. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep.
• Liberal moms like moe. because it’s a band in which musical talent finds so little expression that their ex drummer is welcome to come back and beat on some bongos. No serious band has a bongo player, unless of course his name is Domingo and he is old enough to collect social security.
• No other jam band play the same exploratory jam over and over as much as moe. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a moe. show last week: “2nd set, 11 minutes left, still nothing interesting about a Seat of My Pants jam.” Two hours later, another moe. show was underway was on the same screen: “1st set, 8 minutes left, Rob looks bored during Buster once again. If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of 6/22/2002 instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.
Even in the Disco Biscuits, there are very few boring jams — and it’s a lot harder to see that band when a half the group is playing in a new band called Conspirator.
• The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as an improvisational jam. Most jams are sublimated warfare. As Lady Grace Potter reportedly said after moe. covered Ween some years ago: Don’t worry. After all, twice in this century Phish covered a far superior song from Chocolate and Cheese.
Phish and Umphrey’s McGee present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In String Cheese Incident, there are three or four times a set where you may get hit with a hula-hoop. — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be Kang with that tiny mandolin and a giant piece of plastic flying at your head. After an Avicii gig, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a moe. gig, all 75 fans in attendance get a ribbon and a juice box.
• You can’t sell out tiny venues when you are moe. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to order your tickets in advance.) What sets moe. apart from the other bands, besides talent, is that we have to fight scalpers just to get lawn tickets. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a band so boring that there are always plenty of tickets available at the door during the night of the show.
• I resent the force-fed aspect of moe. The same people trying to push moe. on Americans are the ones demanding that we love the band Haim, the traffic getting into Lockn Festival isn’t that bad, the Washington Redskins name praises indigenous persons, and Michelle Bachmann’s husband looks manly wearing a salmon colored shirt. The number of Buffalo News articles claiming moe. is “catching on” is exceeded only by the ones pretending Michael Franti & Spearhead is fascinating.
I note that we don’t have to be endlessly told how exciting Phish is.
• moe. is foreign. Hell, they are almost from Canada. In fact, that’s the precise reason the Buffalo News is constantly hectoring Americans to love moe. One group of jam band fans with whom moe. is not “catching on” at all, is the Gov’t Mule fan base. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the fine folks of upstate New York like it.
• moe. is like the metric system, which East Coasters also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine. Speaking of mass murder by guillotine, that still sounds better than any version of St. Augustine.
Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to enjoy the album Tin Cans and Car Tires, ask any moe. fan for the temperature, and he’ll say something like “almost as hot as Mexico.” Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he’ll say it’s just far enough to not travel to the next moe. show.
moe. fans get angry and tell us that the bands jam style is more “rational” than the ones other jam bands employ. This is ridiculous. Meat makes Rob Derhak’s thumb far stronger than Meat has made Mike Gordon’s thumb, yet Rob is still rocking Mike Gordon’s hand me downs from the late 90’s. moe. fans claim it’s easy to visualize 32 Things, but how does one visualize STS9? Is that algebra or something?
The moe. vs. Umphrey’s garbage at Summer Camp was impressive, garnering 18.2 million dab hits during the weekend. This beat the second-most dabs at a show, which just so happened to be a Foster The People performance during the second weekend of Coachella.
Run-of-the-mill, regular summer Phish shows in places like Ohio average more than 20 million users of the popular Live Phish app the next day; while West Coast Phish gets get 30 to 40 million listeners the next day; and this year’s New Year’s gig had 111.5 million listeners. Yet you can’t even convince a homeless person at the end of the freeway off ramp to take your old CD-R’s of moe. 2/27/99 since most recycling plants just laugh and turn them away.
If more “Americans” are listening to moe. today, it’s only because of the demographic switch affected by Ronald Reagan’s anti-mental health policies of the early 1980’s. I promise you: No American whose mental health is fine is listening to moe. One can only hope that, in addition to getting the help they need, these mentally-ill Americans will drop their moe. fetish with time.