SCOTUS rules 5-4 that Phish is Back!

June 29, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

In a landmark case that decided the status of one of the largest touring bands in The United States, The Supreme Court ruled that Phish is indeed, back, ending more than three years of speculation as to whether or not they could officially be considered ‘back’.

The split decision found the four hardcore phans on the bench, Justices Breyer, Sotomayor, Kagan and Ginsberg joined by 3.0 n00b Chief Justice Roberts, a surprise as he has only seen 10 shows since Festival 8 and only sees them when they play nearby Washington D.C. The five justices upheld the lower court ruling that Phish was back and a full body of reviews on the popular website Mr. Miner’s Phish Thoughts and other evidence showed that Phish was not only back, but happy, healthy and excited to play. Cited the Chief Justice, “The band is no doubt back and I have seen it with my own eyes and raged proper. For one to dismiss the idea that Phish could come back from 2004 and play at the level they are playing ignores years of case law regarding the return of bands to their original form.”

yeah, he goes to that place too

It was rumored that Roberts had initially decided that Phish was not back and would attend no shows this summer, but  with tour looming, he changed his mind and asserted to fellow justices that Phish was back and he would be able to get to St. Louis, if not Dick’s, prior to the Supreme Court reconvening for the fall term. This switch was evident in his citing of no less than 15 songs that Roberts hoped to hear this summer, each littered throughout his 10 page opinion for the majority.

Breyer cited the recent shows in Worcester, Atlantic City, Cincinnatti, Burgettstown and Cuyahoga Falls as substantive proof, that although not mentioned in evidence, the tours, the heat and the bombs dropped by Gordo were proof positive that Phish was officially back.

A stern dissent from Scalia scoffed at Robert’s opinion, likely due to being a jaded vet show first caught Phish at Amy’s Farm. “This band sounds nothing like they did in their 93-95 heyday. A lack of exploratory jams, unique New Years shows and banter with the audience are all proof positive that Phish is not back. Only a n00b would think otherwise.” More or less, Scalia ignored all rationality and proof otherwise, sticking to his pre-conceived belief that Phish could not return to the glory of the early 90s, period.

yes, thats him insulting you. what a dick

It should also be noted that Scalia introduced Roberts to Phish after he was appointed Chief Justice, as a gesture of welcome to the bench. Scalia’s bitterness is known through circuits, so much that he still refuses to go to Alpine Valley because of the long walk out of the venue to the nearest campground.

Justice Clarence Thomas in a concurring dissent looked to the original band from 1983, which included then guitarist Jeff Holdsworth and not current member Page McConnell on keys and piano. His comparison explained his viewpoint but offered no evidence as to why he did not look at the current lineup of the band, even as early as 1986. True to character, Justice Thomas had nothing to say on the matter during oral arguments.

The Funky Benches at work. Don't worry, they won't judge you at a show

The three female justices on the bench have been known to hit second leg shows on the west coast for the past few years. Calling themselves the Funky Benches, Justices Kagan, Sotomayor and Ginsberg enjoy 5-7 Phish shows a summer and have been enjoying themselves enough on tour that a vote in favor of Phish’s return was obvious before oral arguments began shortly after the New Years Run.

Little Suzy Ginsberg has a very unique lot fashion sense

Justice Ginsberg, who goes by Little Suzy Ginsberg on lot may have provided the crucial influence on the Chief Justice by enticing him with front row seats in St. Louis and the closest hotel at Dick’s. Ginsberg who has seen well over 100 shows played up her status as a tour vet in hopes that she could convince Roberts to go to some shows and show everyone they were back with a vote in the affirmative. The effort seems to have worked, so if you see Justice Ginsburg on lot this summer, make sure to kick her down something solid. At least a nug or paper.

The case was Calarco vs. Haters LLC


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