Page McConnell, piano and keyboard player for Phish announced today that he would be retiring from Active Sandwich Duty, marking a departure from his favorite past time – making and eating sandwiches.
“I was just exhausted from all the sandwiches, the options, the types of bread. I finally had to draw a line in the mustard and say enough was enough. I’m full.” McConnell retired to his home this morning and began the arduous task of cleaning out years worth of frill toothpicks, sandwich platters, and Vlasic pickles. In a matter of hours, it was all over and Page’s house was nearly empty aside from a lonely piano that once belonged to Jared from Subway.
Lamenting his decision, McConnell discussed his culinary roots. “Growing up, I loved Blondie, not for the humor, but because Dagwood could eat the biggest damn sandwiches ever. I aspired to be him. I could eat those sandwiches in my sleep, which led to an unfortunate choking incident. That was when I realized I had to hang up the Ciabatta.”
Page received a great deal of support from bandmates Trey Anastasio, Mike Gordon and Jon Fishman in his struggle to break with a lifelong love. “He’s gotten more fanmail that the rest of us, all on account of his sandwich habit. It’s not natural” said Gordon, who hasnt been able to break bread with McConnell because of Page’s nasty habit of spreading mayo on the bread the moment it is broken.
Fishman was more startled by the pictures fans sent of them eating sandwiches. “There was one chick, she was drop dead gorgeous, but she used French’s Mustard, Page’s favorite, to write ‘Strange Design’ on her chest. Page took one look at it and was drooling, and it wasn’t over her cans either. That’s when I knew it had gone too far.”
Trey became concerned that Page would become a caricature of his former self. “I think I can speak from experience and say that we didn’t want that to happen. Besides, the dude should really try a steak or slice of pizza every so often, provided he doesn’t put it between two pieces of bread.”
Page hopes he can get past this part of his life and move forward playing with Phish in a sandwich-free world. “I hope that I can one day become a ‘soup guy’, and become knowledgeable in the soups of the words. Those would take longer to enjoy and sample, so that might be my next route. I’m thinking about playing some Jimmy John’s with Vida Blue, but that might be too much.”
Added McConnell, “One day at a time…..”