Exxon Valdez Captain Joseph Hazelwood remarks on his grounding of Holy Ship! in Bahamas

January 12, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

The infamous Captain of one of the worst environmental disasters, Joseph Hazelwood, remarked on his running of the MSC Poesia aground in shallow water in Grand Bahama. The boat was on a three day cruise under the festival name Holy Ship! featuring a mostly electronica-based lineup.

“Look, I apologize for mistaking 14 feet of water for 26 feet but Skrillex told me he had it under control. We agreed on a mutual swap – I would take over playing his dubstep, partially to prove anyone could make that shit work, and he would pilot the ship. Granted, three hours later I ran the ship aground but who knew that I would fall into a K-hole?”

Sloshing water on the podium at the press conference, Captain Hazelwood did appear remorseful in words but did not so in actions, refusing to “clean the oil off those fucking birds!”

Reports indicate that the ship was stuck for much of Saturday, January 7th and a few ravers were tossed to the side, partially from the lilting of the ship and partially because they were already dancing at an angle that would lead them to fall over anyways.

Hazelwood continued his defense of the situation, “This isn’t oil you know. So Skrillex lost his glasses and he looks less like Corey Feldman. It’s a fucking improvement I tell you. The boat made it back and I’m on vacation. You can find me at the bar.”

No word yet if Jamcruise will swap Captain Stubing out for someone who can actually command a boat.


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