Trey to Amputate Middle Finger to Appease Deadheads

January 22, 2015 by pages mistress

In a quest for authenticity at the ‘Core Four’ shows this July 3-5, and to placate Deadheads who are upset with the choice of guitarist, Phish front man Trey Anastasio announced today that he will amputate the middle finger on his right hand in order to strive for more authenticity during the shows.

TreyAsJerry

When reached for comment, Anastasio noted that┬ávirulently angry Deadheads gave him no choice, and that if he was going to play Wolf, he was going to do so the way Jerry did – with four fingers and lots of fried food in his stomach. “Look I can’t say how much of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity this is for me, so if I have to go the extra mile for this, so be it. I’ll have the surgery soon so I can heal and practice to find Jerry’s four finger sound.” Anastasio then lamented having to deep fry his beloved Clif Bars and opt for buttermilk instead of cold green tea.

Needless to say, Phish fans were upset, but The Phunion can confirm that the superfluous digit will be reattached in time for Phish’s Summer Tour and will not interfere with Trey’s flubbing.

 


45 Comments »

  1. Sugarmag says:

    You’re an idiot.

  2. Eric says:

    Thrilled to have you on board Tre, Love your “chops” ;).

  3. Eric says:

    Thrilled to have you aboard Tre.
    Love your chops.

  4. Deadhead Bill says:

    Sounds like bullshit to me!

    • Steve says:

      Surely you’re not questioning the journalistic integrity of the esteemed Onion, are you? I mean, it’s not like there’s a thing called “satire,” and if there was, it would obviously be beneath the dignity of a publication with the gravitas to call itself the Onion, wouldn’t it?

      • Steve says:

        Also, I am clearly illiterate. Unlike the Onion, the Phunion is no doubt pushing a bullshit lie. Apologies, Deadhead Bill. You were right, all along.

  5. David Dubros says:

    Self mutilation is a terrible thing

    • Ry says:

      It’s not self-mutilation if someone performs it for you
      (sage nod)

      • DoIt4ThePercs says:

        I had my roommate cut my left pinky finger off with a steak knife, for this exact reason. I thought it was kind of ironic that I seen this now that I cut my finger off.

  6. bk says:

    But trey and phish is much better than the dead ever were.

  7. Scott says:

    Trey…always giving us the finger.

  8. Me says:

    Dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Two amazing guitar players from completely different eras.. No need for competition. Wish I could make it to see them and Trey with all his fingers!

  9. Charley says:

    This is hilarious! Looking forward to seeing you play Trey!

  10. ned armando says:

    almost as funny as a real onion article…. doesnt really make sense that you have a photoshopped pic of trey missing his finger then the headline reads ‘trey to amputate middle finger…” the story should have been ” trey amputates middle finger’ so it matches the pic. like the onion would have done. fail.

  11. Derp says:

    Funny pic! However Trey is going tonhd his own, so you 65 year old deadheads at the phunion can eat a bowl of dick

  12. Clark says:

    LOL too funny! The people commenting realize this is a joke right?

  13. Phish would not exist without the Dead.

  14. Je Suis Cosmic Charlie says:

    Hilarious. Some old heads not understanding satire even better.

  15. Kim says:

    Phunny……

  16. The Jerry Garcia hand with missing digit makes a dedicated appearance in a story Chris Butler (The Waitresses, Tin Huey) and I wrote about our visit to wait for the FURTHUR Bus in Nelson Ledges Quarry Park, Ohio, this past summer:
    http://www.futurefossilmusic.com/our_trip.html

  17. Debra says:

    Please don’t

  18. Eric says:

    Trey I’ll be anxious to see how well you do with four fingers…

  19. SkipWiley says:

    Oldfart Dead Heads snoot understand the ?hish pathos, let me help ||| This is humor, Trey is not really de-fingering himself, Phunion laughs at Oldfart Dead Heads, “HA !” for not revering the choice of Jedi Master Trey as guitarist extraordinaire for event supreme ||| Then take swipe at re-attatche’ for phuture fumbling ! Harrrr !! Oldfart Dead Heads no need to worry, as supreme event will be groovy and cool, man. dig ? 8^)

  20. PhishSUX says:

    Trey DOESN’T deserve to be in the presence of Wolf not alone to hold and play it!

  21. scott says:

    Trey rocks, what an awesome choice…. can’t wait to see them

  22. ChIPA says:

    I just bought Treys finger on EBay!

  23. Randy says:

    Stupid!!!

  24. Cunt Fart says:

    I only care about the sweatpants. Will Troy grace us with the vintage look?

  25. Lawrence says:

    That’s the kind of Deadication we are looking for, way to go, 4 finger Trey.

  26. Will says:

    This is real.

  27. Mizzie says:

    what an idiot.

  28. Dave says:

    Come on, everyone knows that Jerry’s stomach was filled with Hagen Daz!

  29. Amanda says:

    This is awesomesauce go 4finger trey lol “they hate us cuz they anus !!! Lol stop hatin on old deadheads some of us where raised by phamily and we know there’s no hatin lol

  30. Waybackin68 says:

    I’m waiting for the really big show: Trey playing left handed and covering Jimi Hendrix in Monterey on the anniversary of the famous ’67 concert.

  31. Walter Sobchek says:

    I can get you a toe. Dude, there are ways…

  32. walter sobchack says:

    Should Trey take it a step further and die a month later?

  33. arknsas mule says:

    too soon man, too soon. feels like that was just yesterday man

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