The Phunion Reviews ‘Fuego’

June 24, 2014 by TreyAntipasta

With Phish’s new album ‘Fuego’ being released today, we at The Phunion took one for the team and wrote the only review of ‘Fuego’ you need to read. Ignore than review in Relix. Disregard a review from Mr. Miner. Cast aside message boards. Read The Phunion’s review of ‘Fuego’. We think it’s better than Umphrey’s McGee’s new album, but that could be said about

Fuego – Last Halloween, Phish pissed all over tradition and used the holiday for some serious market research. That market research showed that white people fucking love their Fuego’s. After all, it took hacks like Phan Art and that kid in Portland, Oregon or something seconds to come up with Fuego designs to sell to wooks from Walla Walla to West Palm Beach. While the 35+ crowd that makes up most of Phish’s fan base embrace the 3.0 Dad Rock era, we here at the Phunion have confirmed that this song does indeed make Vlad The Impaler roll over in his grave.

albumart

A better album cover

The Line – Much like the NCAA, Phish is going to make loads and loads of cash off of Darius Washington Jr. with ‘The Line’. Yet, poor Darius once again won’t see a dime for his struggle. Even worse, the much rumored new “Halloween tradition” could see Phish actually crucify Darius onstage during the second set. Bet he didn’t see that in his future when he stepped to The Line.

fuego_main_top_left

A better album cover

Devotion to a Dream  – No more promises that this song won’t suck live. This song is devoted to one thing – getting bros to like Phish, and with a Jack Johnson/O.A.R. poppy-bullshit sound, it’s going to do the trick. The whole sing-along thing is very mid-90s anyways. What is the dream they are devoted to? Ruining an album? Congrats. Mission: Accomplished.

3916_ojos_de_fuego

A better album cover

Halfway to the Moon – So this is the ‘Page’ song on the album and we’ve heard it for a couple years now, knowing it is best enjoyed while taking a leak. Seriously, try it at home – you’ll never have a gentler stream. Anyways, Page wrote this while living in his father’s basement during the band’s breakup. Trey has that neat howling guitar which is meant to mimic Page’s tears at Coventry. Page sounds like he misses the good ol’ days with Vida Blue.

522930_350833214953134_549567076_n

A better album cover

Winterqueen – Why is a Trey Anastasio Band song on a Phish album? Can’t he just leave this for Chainsaw and J-Ha to sing on and make better? Incredibly, you can only hear Trey for the first two minutes of the song – gotta be the first time, right? This song should have joined ‘Snow’ and never been played by Phish and forgotten by the audience immediately. But it’s on the album so we have to pretend to like this when it ruins set 2 at DTE. Oh and nice fake wind sounds Ezrin.

la-renault-fuego-large2

A better album cover

Sing Monica – Sounding a lot like a beach side city in Los Angeles County, Sing Monica truly a hot mess. Granted Phish was at their highest highs in the 1990’s when the hit TV show ‘Friends’ was on the air, everyone knows that Phoebe was the singer in that clique. Regardless of the fact it makes you think of ‘Friends’, the craziest thing about the song isn’t the simple catchy melody, as much as the fact that Phish is trying to get a woman to admit that they are wrong.

Fresno-Fuego

A better album cover

555 – So this is the ‘Mike’ song on the ‘Phish’ album. Fishman has those distant vocals, then the backup singers kick-in. Why can’t we have them at Phish shows? Albums get all the cool stuff. 555 is not just the number of Mike’s locker at the local bus station, it’s also the cost of his Varvatos scarf. Enjoy seeing this song on Phish tour and on Mike tour, but really mainly enjoy it on Mike tour.

Renault_Fuego_France

A better album cover

Waiting All Night – Since Ween no longer makes music together, Phish has decided to channel their Quebec era sound on this laid back track. The band asks a lot of the listener as how can anyone believe that Fish would be Waiting All Night for someone to come home when he has more kids than Bob Marley? Perhaps this is why the song features the same fucking drum beat for five minutes.

tierradf

A better album cover

Wombat – When Abe Vigoda dies, his tomb stone will read ‘Danced On Stage With Phish In A Wombat Costume’ thanks to this manic break out single. In a shocker to many, the Fred Durst style flows of Fishman and Trey are not the most offensive thing Wombat has going. Nope, that would be borrowing ‘The Lovely Ladies’ from Dave Matthew Band stadium tours to sing backup at the end of the song. I guess Coran Capshaw must have gotten a two-for-one deal there.

fuego-2019

A better album cover

Wingsuit – Trey sounds like he and the guys went to a ‘vision quest’ retreat together and ended up seeing wingsuits together, and it felt good so they wrote a song about it. ‘Wingsuit’ sounds like what Peyote feels like (we’re guessing). Thankfully the album wasn’t named ‘Wingsuit’ because all we can think of are condoms with the Fishman dress circles all over them. Let’s hope this becomes the next ’20 Years Later’ in that no one wants to hear the song but the jams turn out amazing after 3 years.


6 Comments »

  1. Mork says:

    ok yeah whoever wrote this can seriously fuck themselves

  2. Shiny says:

    The reviewer is right on with this post! All true phans know that it’s been all downhill since The White Tape!

  3. bob says:

    haha. this is gold.

  4. Z says:

    Nailed it.

  5. Gary says:

    What a bash to Paco Pomet. The man is a legend!

    Check out his work you NOOBS. http://pacopomet.es/en

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *