September, 2014

  1. Colorado Runs Out of Drugs

    September 5, 2014 by TreyAntipasta

    Phish fans convened in Commerce City, Colorado last weekend and based on early reports from local economists, the state of Colorado is drug free for the first time in its history.

    “They cleaned us out man. It was unreal”, reported dispensary manager Geoff Monohan. “And you thought that Sand was awesome Sunday night? Dude, you know nothing.

    Our store was basically raped.”

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    Phish fans descending upon Denver en masse has been an annual occurrence since 2011 when he band began playing at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. While it has become clear that Phish and their fans love Dick’s, fans are showing their love for Colorado’s liberalized marijuana laws to the point of looting.

    “They came in and bought it up: grams, shatter, edibles. Then they bought drugs downtown and the dealers were cleaned out. Before we knew it, Denver was a drug desert.”

    The Babys Mouth didn’t help either. Monahan admitted that even reinforcements from California were no match. “There isn’t any ketamine in a 3 state radius! What is everyone going to do when Lotus plays Red Rocks?!”

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    It didn’t stop with drugs either. The Phellowship hoarded Flintstones Vitamins across town, while Mr. Miner drank every Starbucks dry just so he could keep listening the the hidden messages in Friday night’s ‘Simple’.

    With Phish expected to play Dick’s in 2015, the state of Colorado is already planning to encourage local home growers to hit Shakedown early as demand will surely exceed supply.