December, 2012

  1. Dick’s Sporting Goods Park Updates their Concert Attendance Policy

    December 20, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    On the heels of Instagram’s announcement that all your pictures are now their’s to sell and use as they please, Dick’s Sporting Goods Park in Commerce City, Colorado, has updated their Concert Attendance Policy, affecting some 20-30,000 Phish fans. As of September 2nd, 2013, all Phish fans who attend or have attended a Phish show at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park will now become new employees of Dick’s and assigned to the store closest to their home.

    You had it so good. This was only the beginning

    In explaining the new policy, Senior Director of Venue Operations, Allison Hamilton, explained, saying “We are happy to have Phish fans come to the park and enjoy the shows here, but we have to think like a business and having Phish fans learn from their experience here and become store employees will improve our staffing ability, build the brand name and ensure that these fans are making money while waiting for the next shows.”

    She added, “Yes, every Phish fans will have a guaranteed week off the end of August to come to shows at Dick’s and a few days in early September to recuperate, then it’s back to work. We want you here dancing and having fun, but the rest of the years, its time to work.”

    In fact, it turns out you might be working at Dick’s already and not know it! Early training is taking place for some fans who have said in the past “I will NEVER miss a Phish show at Dick’s, EVER”, leading Dick’s to have the authority to compel these fans to be their new employees.

    This is where you work now, hippie

    Phish fans will be able to work in a variety of departments, although camping and fishing gear is likely where everyone will end up.

    The only way out for fans is to not go to the Labor Day weekend shows, which means your face will not get fucked, nor will you get all the S’s you could ask for. Basically, its either work for Dick’s or no Phish at Dick’s for you.

    “Our updated terms of service help protect you, and prevent the casual relationship from going dry”, said Dick’s CEO and Chairman Ed Stack. He followed up saying, “And by the way, these new Phish fans serving as Dick’s employees will be specifically known as Dickheads.”


  2. Notes From The 2012 JEMP Holiday Party

    December 19, 2012 by RobertPalmerPlore

    Since 2005, JEMP Records has held their annual holiday party in a cabin just outside Winooski, Vermont. I had the pleasure of attending the celebration this year and had an absolute blast. Here is a quick recap of the highlights from the evening.

    7:02 pm Dude of Life accidently rear ends Coran Capshaw in the valet parking area. Capshaw laughs it off and says as long as the Dude agrees to appear at band’s first appearance in Arkansas during summer 2013 and all is forgiven. Unknown to Dude, Capshaw was driving a car that belongs to Umphrey’s McGee’s Andy Farag.

    bmw rear end

    7:28 pm Michael Kang tries to get in at the front door. Carini busts him and throws him into a snow bank just outside the cabin.

    7:51 pm Grace Potter shows up and realizes just like an actual Phish show the entire place is a sausage-fest.

    grace potter xmas

    8:03 pm Carini gets one of those helmets that help babies with flat heads. Hilarity ensues as he tries to put it on.

    8:19 pm Dressed as a Domino Pizza Delivery driver, Michael Kang once again is unsuccessful at getting into the party after Page McConnell informs him that the band only eats delicious pies from Pizza Hut.

    8:22 pm Mike Gordon almost breaks the ‘No Instagram’ rule

    mike gordon phone

    8:41 pm John Popper asks Grace Potter if she’s on Pinterest as he wants to share some holiday recipes with her.

    9:14 pm Page sneaks off to the bathroom to cry after Trey gives him House Season Four on DVD for the second year in a row.

    House, M.D. Season Four DVD

    9:18 pm Michael Kang tries to sneak in through a back window. As it turns out it’s the same bathroom that Page is crying in. Page once again kicks out Kang.

    9:40 pm TMZ shows up looking for Justin Beiber only to discover he couldn’t make it. America’s favorite tabloid is granted permission to take a photo of the cookie basket Bieber sent.

    papa tmz

    9:52 pm Dave Schools crop dusts Bob Weir. Phil Lesh gets blamed.

    10:07 pm Jon Fishman OD’s on Cliff Bars and Cold Green Tea. Paramedics are called but Fishman is not transported.

    10:41 pm Former New York Yankees Center Fielder Bernie Williams closes the party with his guitar rendition of the Carly Rae Jepsen’s smash hit Call Me Maybe.

    bernie williams

    11:02 pm Michael Kang sneaks into the cabin via the chimney only to discover everyone has already gone home.


  3. NYE Comparisons: Phish and Bisco in the same building

    December 19, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    In a little more than a week, Phish will start their four night run at Madison Square Garden. While this event has occurred five times before, the difference this year is that The Disco Biscuits will be playing in the Theater at MSG, downstairs from the main room. The staff at The Phunion, in the interest of keeping the fans of both bands informed and educated, have put together a short comparison of the fan bases that will, for once, intermingle on the holiest of live music nights, New Years Eve.

    Crowd

    Phish Fans: Hippies, 30-somethings and a few Wooks

    Bisco Kids: Lots and Lots of kidz, Wooks and Mahldogs

    hippies1

    Weapon of Choice

    Phish Fans: Glowsticks

    Bisco Kids: Flat Brims

    tim_tizzy

    In between songs

    Phish Fans: Check Twitter

    Bisco Kidz: Check on their lot dogs

    259168_2258450298868_2135391_o

     

    Preferred setbreak

    Phish Fans: Bathroom, Water, Relax, Rest up for second set

    Bisco Kidz: Take a quick K-hole power nap, drink just enough water to stay hydrated & not pass out

    the-k-hole

    When the show is over

    Phish Fans: Carried out on a musical high

    Bisco Kidz: Carried out on stretchers.

    Musical High1

    Celebrity Connection

    Phish Fans: The ghost of Peter Jennings always spends New Years with The Phish

    Bisco Kidz: Lindsey Lohan flips out during ‘And the Ladies were the rest of the night”, punches Barber.

    Happy New Years from all of us at The Phunion! Hugs, Trey Antipasta, Cactus Jack, Robert Palmer Plore and Page’s Mistress

     


  4. Warren Haynes Announces Inaugural ‘President’s Jam’

    December 6, 2012 by RobertPalmerPlore

    Having already curated the highly successful Christmas Jam and Mountain Jam, Warren Haynes is about to throw his weight behind another festival.

    President’s Jam is set for February 16th at Ford’s Theater in Washington D.C. In addition to performances by Gov’t Mule the following artists are confirmed for the day long show:

    The Dead Presidents

    Animals As Leaders

    Presidents of the United States of America

    A special comedy set by former Presidential candidate Rosanne Barr

    There will also be a super jam where Questlove, Michael Kang and Dave Schools perform a thirty minute take on the Misfits classic ‘Bullet.’

    When asked about the event, the roadie that looks like Warren Haynes said ‘We debated getting German Eurodance sensations Mr. President to reunite for the show, but we figured we would save them for year two.”

    Ticket information and additional artists are expected to be announced in the next few weeks.


  5. Phish Dry Goods Arrested for the Overkill of the Fishman Dress print

    December 6, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    Startling the Phish community, a warrant was served at the  JEMP offices in Burlington, VT and the Music Today offices in Crozet, VA, for the crime of Overkill of the Fishman Donut design. Having used the design in everything from iPad and iPhone skins, blankets, socks, bandanas, flatbrim hats and shirts, the design is ever-present, so much so that Fishman doesn’t stand out at a Phish show anymore.

    Coran Capshaw, manager of Phish and founder of Music Today communicated through his lawyer this statement: “The Fishman Donut design is far from overdone. If you think this is overkill, you havent seen what the fans are making these days. We’ll fight this and win, and then introduce out line of Fishman bathrobes made of Egyptian Wool, 300 thread count Fishman bedsheets, flannel Fishman pillowcases and Fishman Fishermans waders. And you’ll buy them all!”

    Capshaw walked away cackling, wiping his happy tears away with the new Fishman Dollar Bills.

    Adding insult to injury, Dunkin Donuts is suing Phish for trademark infringement over the use of the word JOY and the Fishman Donut print. Dunkin Donuts states that the donut design is theirs and any use of the image on shirts, socks or whatever Phish Dry Goods comes up with looks too close to real donuts, and could be confusing to people who try to eat the donuts off the clothing.


  6. The Phunion meets a Bieber fan

    December 5, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    The Phunion recently went to see Justin Bieber in concert at MSG, and while we didn’t get to hang out with Trey or Dan Kanter, we DID get to meet a Bieber fan and interviewed them about the new relationship with Bieber and Phish.

    The Phunion: So do you like Phish now?

    Biebs #1 Fan: What are you talking about? I hate fish. It tastes fishy. I like chicken fingers. With ketchup.

    The Phunion: No, the band. The ones that Kanter teases in some of the songs?

    Biebs #1 Fan: Seriously, what are you talking about? I’m not supposed to talk to strangers. Why are you even at this concert? You’re old. Go away before I call my mom.

    The Phunion: So you won’t be going to Phish shows this summer?

    Biebs #1 Fan: Like at the aquarium? That sounds like something a stupid 10 year old would do. I’m 13. I’ll be at the pool, not watching stupid fish swim around. Maybe you should cut your hair and get a girlfriend. You look like the after picture from DARE class.

    Needless to say, Bieber’s fans won’t be going on tour and don’t judge us, ya little shit.