October, 2012

  1. The Phunion Endorses Barack Obama for President

    October 24, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    After weighing the facts, analyzing the issues and where each candidate stands, The Phunion endorses Barack Obama for President. because Phish plays better under Democratic Presidents. With this in mind, we hope that Phish will continue to prosper and our long national nightmare of ripcord jams being over with President Obama’s reelection.

    The President’s possible reaction to The Phunion’s endorsement

    Looking at the evidence, the finest years of Phish are undoubtedly under Democratic presidents, in particular, the years 1993, 1995, 1997, 1998 and 2012 are some of the best years for Phish in their storied history. Added to that, Phish festivals started in 1996 and got even better as the Clinton presidency continued, holding two amazing festivals in one year – Camp Oswego and Big Cypress. This is not a feat found under Republican presidents, including a 24 hour traffic jam in Maine on the way to IT in 2003, and the debacle that was Coventry, which happened on George W. Bush’s watch. And yes, we can still blame Bush for Coventry. That stain will not go away in time.

    Governor Romney on the other hand provides little in experience of Phish performing at their best on his watch. Not only was the only show in Massachusetts on August 11th, 2004 one of Phish’s worst ever, the 20th anniversary show on December 2nd 2003 featured no special guests. Not a single one.  How can Governor Romney run on his record when his record is so paltry and devoid of Type II jams? Not to mention Romney sucks at tucking his magic underwear and running mate Paul Ryan was slinging bunk molly at Alpine Valley in 2003. A Romney presidency could inevitably lead to Bain Capital attempting to buyout Shakedown Street. An Obama presidency would ensure that this would never happen.

    Because of the past four years of Phish being successful and exploratory, and the track record under President Clinton showing that this is not a fluke, we at The Phunion endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States, with hope of four more years of great Phish, Dick’s Labor Day weekend shows and continued jamming through 2016.

    – The Phunion Editorial Board (Trey Antipasta, Robert Palmer Plore, Cactus Jack and Page’s Mistress)


  2. Phish Teams With Jimmy Dean For Reworked ‘Summer of ’89’

    October 22, 2012 by RobertPalmerPlore

    Based off the jump in sales Clif Bar received from being name dropped in the timeless Phish classic “Stealing Time From The Faulty Plan,” Jimmy Dean Sausage has allegedly paid Phish a hefty sum of cash to appear within the lyrics of their recently confirmed new studio album.

    According to our source Skip (you may remember him as the guy who puked all over that pregnant lady up on the lawn in Atlanta this past summer); Phish has agreed to change the lyrics to “Summer of ’89” as follows:

    Jimmy Dean Sausage For Breakfast
    We hiked the Long Trail to a spring
    I took blades of grass
    And I wove you a ring

    Skip also goes on to share that Luna Bar originally wanted to have their product placed into the sweet love song Phish front man Trey Anastasio penned for his wife. Yet after looking out at the crowd during this past summer’s stop in Kansas, Luna Bar executives realized that Phish shows are a total sausage fest and clearly not the market they are looking to penetrate. With that observation, Phish was left with no choice but to team with the tasty breakfast treat.

    Despite the fact he died in 2010, many Phish fans believe Jimmy Dean himself will sit in with the band during next year’s Hampton Coliseum run. Kenny Rogers has been dead since 2008 and that didn’t stop the man behind Kenny Rogers Roasters from appearing with the band during their 2012 Bonnaroo appearance.


  3. Trey’s Literacy campaign ‘read a fucking book’ not going over well at area schools

    October 4, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    Usually Phish frontman Trey Anastasio can be found packing arenas and amphitheaters coast to coast.  But these days he is looking to pack school auditoriums and cafeterias with his new literacy campaign ‘Read a Fucking Book’

    “It’s a personal best” he said. “I expect this campaign to go far and to really get off the ground and have kids reading every fucking book.”

    Comments like these have landed Anastasio in hot water with many a school official.

    “This campaign has the potential to become really big”, said Principle B.F. Skinner. “We just need him to clean it up and then we can schedule him. Right now our calendar is filling up and this fucking literacy campaign isn’t a good idea. If he just takes out the curse word, we could allot a full period to him in the auditorium.

    A Trey bookmark! Print it out and use it when reading a fucking book!

    Anastasio is no stranger to campaigns not immediately received with open arms. “You think I got here today by not being able to go out on a limb?” Anastasio explains. “My music wasn’t received immediately, and now look at it.” He credits his ability to throw things out there and risk rejection. “I’m fine with that. If you want to do something, you just have to do it. and I want kids to read a fucking book.”

    Anastasio goes on. “You think these people like my music? No, they like my just do it attitude. Well, maybe some like the music. But mostly, they like the message to just do it. So read a fucking book!”

    The latest booking was at Windy Creek but was nixed also at the last minute. “I told him these children are too young,” said Greta Stevens. “Trey replied ‘Your children are old enough to read a fucking book.’ I was speechless and appalled. Turned on, yes, but still appalled. That vulgar ginger.”

    With literacy rates falling nationwide, Anastasio hopes to bring hope to area schools that this a problem that can be solved. Anastasio has not had all good luck with his campaigns. His anti drug campaign in 2005 had trouble getting off the ground and staying afloat.


  4. Phish announces the least secretive New Years Run in their History

    October 3, 2012 by TreyAntipasta

    On October 2nd around 4pm EST, Phish announced to the world what was already pretty obvious to the rest of us: Phish will be playing Madison Square Garden on December 28-31, 2012, ringing in the New Year as they have for three years in a row. With few other options on the table, Phish went with the obvious and let everyone figure it out by process of elimination, as venue after venue was booked on the east coast.

     

    When asked why there was no unique video for this NYE run, Phish’s spokesman, Jon Fishman, remarked “Well, after those fun videos this summer, we just gave up. All that effort and all those takes were just too much. I got intro training shape for those other videos, had to drink that nasty shake 5 separate times, and wound up losing only a few pounds – and that was after the second set on the second night of Dick’s! So yeah, no video. What’re ya gonna do?”

    Jim James of My Morning Jacket was able to subtly break the news to Andy Greene of Rolling Stone, way back in May. Greene tweeted

    Said Fishman “We keep all this stuff so under the radar, and then this happens. Sometimes a I really wonder, What’s the Use?” Fishman then quickly replied “No, that wasn’t a song reference either. But we are trying to come up with a killer NYE gag this year. I have been pushing to not use the hot dog, but I feel bad for the fries and shake, they’ve been neglected way too long. Whatever it is, I’ll find out about it the traditional way, when I get there that night.”

    Another issue that hasn’t been on the radar has been the replacement ushers at MSG. These non-union workers have crossed the proverbial picket line yet can’t seem to figure out MSG without the lower bowl walk around. If the replacement refs have taught us anything, these replacement ushers will likely send floor seats into the 100 section, put section 213 in 312 and vice versa, and escort people to The Disco Biscuits show in the Theater at MSG.

    Thankfully, a contract dispute with Trey was resolved, as Replacement Trey did not know how to ripcord.

    Fishman did note that Sean Avery of the New York Rangers sent the band a letter, saying “Enjoy MSG since we won’t be using it this year.”