Jeff Waful, lighting director/designer for Umphrey’s McGee and widely considered second only to Kuroda, will reportedly be called up to the big leagues to light Phish’s 2013 summer tour. Chris Kuroda has become invested in Bieber fans, who he reports as having “shown him the light of day and opened his eyes to the real, true music.” Phish fans everywhere collectively felt a pinch in their gut, followed by dull vision and disillusionment at the prospect of no Kuroda to light shows as he has since the late 1980s.

Dan Kanter, who brought Kuroda on board for the ‘Believe’ World Tour, let out a half smile, knowing he was that much closer to getting Trey’s number. “I’m happy for him, and it was his decision. I’m glad I brought him on board for the tour and hoped that he would reciprocate this summer back in the states……. Man, this backfired completely didn’t it?’ Kanter, a Canadian and therefore incapable of swearing or being anything but polite, then went on a profanity-laced tirade, including a litany of ’Gosh Darnits’, ‘Fuddle Duddles’, ‘Eh!-holes’ and ‘Budweiser!’.

Jeff Waful, hearing the news, reportedly said, “Working for Umphrey’s may have been the minors to some, but it was the majors for me. Even though the bus isn’t as nice as Phish’s will be, and we’ll be playing big towns and skipping backwater burbs, yeah, I’ll miss it. But hey, Phish, right? This will bring Jeff Waful +1 to a new level.” Drama did accompany Waful’s slated departure for Phish, recalling a recent incident on the bus. “I was watching Bittersweet Motel on my iPad and Bayliss caught me and ended up smashing it out of anger. He couldn’t take the fact that I was leaving. I don’t know, I mean, I’ll see him on the road, right? I have to do this. It was like a lightbulb that I had perfectly timed to go off in my head when I had that thought, just went off in my head.”

While the transition may be rough for some fans, fear not – Umphreys has planned to perform one of their popular song mashups, incorporating Umphrey’s tunes and Phish tunes, notably “Meat in the Kitchen”, “All of These Dreams in Time” and “40s Theme from the Bottom”.

No report if there was anyone else in contention for the position with Phish, as no one can name another lighting guy other than Kuroda and Waful.

The updated Hidden Track logo

When asked why the site would change its now familiar name, a source close to the name change remarked, “Hidden Track is by far the best music site out there today, and I love what the site has turned into in the past few years, but it was time to rebrand to reflect what the site truly is – music that Scotty B truly fucking loves! And all the more respect to him because the music he loves is pretty damn good! So it made sense to make the shift.”

Music and topics that will be highlighted are some that Scotty truly loves, including, but not limited to…

Among the new features readers can expect is “Scotty Says”, which is similar to the game “Simon Says”, except when Scotty recommends his new favorite band, you win by listening to the music and seeing the band live. A play at home version is also in the works, which will be sold exclusively on Hidden Track.

Additionally, Tyler Curtis of Shakedown Blog will have his own column, ‘Shit Tyler Listens to”, Brian Bavosa’s ‘Page Side High’ bi-weekly column that will actually be published every two weeks, and Parker Harrington’s Technology Tuesday column will begin to share music technology from the future, as he has, up until now, covered pretty much everything in existence.

Look for ‘Scotty B Really Loves Music’ starting April 2nd!

1)  Hannah Sweet Jane
2)  Hold My Hand Up
3)  Let Her Cry Baby Cry
4)  Only Wanna Be With You Enjoy Myself
5)  Running With The Devil (8-6-98) or Running Like An Angelope
6)  I’m Going To The Old Home Place
7) Drowned
8) Time, Why You Wanna Turn Elastic?
9) Walk Away
10) Not Even The Silent Trees
11) Goodbye Times Bad Times

The album, so far named Hootie and the BlowPhish will release their first single “Time, Why You Wanna Turn Elastic?”, on June 18th to anyone who will pay for this likely shitshow in advance.  One bonus track, “Sometimes I feel Like An Ooh Child”, will be released to every 30th pre-order.

According to a friend of a friend of that hitchhiker who stopped Jesus Christ with a hatchet, drummer Jon Fishman has left the popular rock group to pursue his new found love of Golf. Using the name Henrietta Tubbs, the drummer formerly known as Fishman is set to join the LPGA tour starting March 14th in Phoenix Arizona. When asked about his new career, Tubbs made allegedly made the following comments:

“2012 was a year of inspiration. If the singer of Against Me! can become Joan Jett then why can’t I become the next Kathy Whitworth? I think everyone saw how great I was during the Runaway Golf Cart Marathon at MSG for New Years Eve. Who needs to hear Limb By Limb for the 14th time when they can hear me scream fore at the North Texas LGPA Shoutout in Irving, Texas?

To see where you can catch Henrietta Tubbs in 2013, check out the official LPGA website.

What have we learned about Antelope Greg from his time on Twitter?

He LOVES 4square, but never seems to check in from the rail…

I’m at Truth or Consequences (Truth or Consequences, New Mexico) 4sq.com/Trvc6g

— Greg Lopestar (@AGMcThugabobs) November 4, 2012

He’s Mr Miner’s chauffeur?

@mrminer been on for awhile… The fact you don’t follow your chauffeur…. That’s another ?

— Greg Lopestar (@AGMcThugabobs) December 6, 2012

He tweets to Trey (who doesn’t?)

@treyanastasio happy birthday Ernest. I have a plush antelope for ya thru SantaLope.org -

— Greg Lopestar (@AGMcThugabobs) September 30, 2012

He has some weird charity and wants Shaq to help out

@shaq santalope.org turns 100% of profits into toys for needy kids. All profits till’ end of year goes to Sandy Victims -Retweet — Greg Lopestar (@AGMcThugabobs) November 27, 2012

He’s making antelope pins!

NYE-Lope pins.15$w/4 lope dcals- All profits>toys>Sandy victims. PP Greg@antelopegp.org or antelopegp.org LE100 twitter.com/AGMcThugabobs/…

— Greg Lopestar (@AGMcThugabobs) November 20, 2012

He’s a Democrat (and spells yes and kid weird)

Yæs kæd RT @nprnews: RT @nprpolitics: Democratic Sen. Sherrod Brown has been re-elected in Ohio, NPR projects.

— Greg Lopestar (@AGMcThugabobs) November 7, 2012

He needed GA west tickets and has a ‘nest egg’

Lopey needs MSG west floors for all ;(‘ it’s either a bill a ticket or forgo ins and MRI till jan and get my nest egg scalped. #Phish #msg

— Greg Lopestar (@AGMcThugabobs) October 21, 2012

He has become self-aware

Remember when tough guys weren’t pussies behind PC screens RT @thephunion: Remember that time @agmcthugabobs wheel chair a c*nt because ….— Greg Lopestar (@AGMcThugabobs) January 6, 2013

Stay tuned for more hilarity from AG McThugabobs!

Crushington State University, arguably the most reputable rage-tastic vintage modern, non-scholastically enhanced university on Phish Tour, has recently applied for certification from the Supreme North American Accreditation Rage Council. This is a big step for the storied Institution that was founded in 1902 by William T. Bagley after an important and historic expedition to Mount Shasta, California.

As the story goes, during a toning session, the Lemurians that he met there had imparted some incredible wisdom to him that subsequently led to the discovery of the parallel universe where this establishment of higher learning currently exists. Within Mount Shasta, Dr. Bagley found a cave that reportedly went on for “as long as the longest wheat noodle that universe would permit”. This led to the opening of what could be interpreted as an inner world of planet earth coupled with a parallel universe. Upon coming to the light at the end of the 720 mile cave system, he was greeted by a sight that was “more beautiful than the most grand thing that had ever spread grace to mine eyes as though it were spread as butter from the heavens”. What he saw was a beautiful town waiting to be born. New Jerruschessets sat there staring back at him.  He emerged on the summit of Mount Crushmore, the parallel universe counterpart of Mount Shasta.

Promptly after the university was created, Bagley disappeared leaving behind a note suggesting that he had gone to an older sister university to continue on his path for knowledge and understanding for the mysteries that this planet and its inner counterpart hold. There are still stories on campus that he comes back to check on CSU from afar. Every once and awhile students and faculty both will see lights on the the top of Mt. Crushmore. As legend has it, that is Bagley looking over the quaint world that he had created.

the school has a well-known recess curriculum

Today, Mount Crushmore proudly looks over the campus today as it has for eons before, holding space for Crushington States initiates to safely study the ancient ways of crushing it.

Seeking accreditation from the Supreme North American Accreditation Rage Council (SNAARC) is no small task, and involved a great deal of paperwork, bacon, and a demonstration of rage skills over the course of Crushington’s existence.

Crushington feels that they have earned this accreditation due to prophecy from a book-”The Crushinomicon”- that  Will T. Bagley found in 1878, which said: “The day shall come when a university shall be hoisted on the shoulders of many and the face shall be raged. From the face of man shall come a school that will be recognized in scholarly tradition. But because of its unparalleled nature, recognition will be unable to be posited. It is then that the children of the face shall rejoice with thine meager flocks to the shores of the Baltic Sea and add another trophy to the hall of non-consequence” (Rageverb 18:7)

Just another day at CSU

A modern day translation would lend itself to the meaning that the school cannot be granted or denied accreditation.  However,because of this, they must fulfill the prophecy of the Crushinomicon (and the fact that there is an entire hall of trophies and awards that are completely irrelevant to the schools goals and determinations) to see to it that this most holy book of theirs is listened to and its words upheld. Otherwise CSU and its initiates run the risk of gaining an understanding of what the concept of competition is.

When the accreditors from SNAARC arrived on campus this past weekend, Crushington State turned the tables turned a bit, immediately issuing the CRE (Crushstate Ragestry Examination) and passed both the physical and written test. This granted SNAARC access to the campus, similar to entering other countries with a passport. Once on campus, the accreditors were enrolled into a six-week class at the New Jersuachussets Thunderdome to ensure that they were accredited prior to CSU becoming accredited.

The CSU Accreditors

When all of the pre-accreditation processes were processed, the accreditation process started and quickly ended. When the papers of accreditation were signed, the papers turned tie dyed and the ink disappeared. As soon as the ink was gone the papers returned to normal. This happened about 10 times before SNAARC decided that they were unable to deny nor accept the school into accreditation thus fulfilling the Crushinomicons prophecy.

In conclusion, Crushington State University is truly a universally unparalleled parallel universe university. Without the understanding of competition, acceptance, winning or loosing, the student body and faculty embarked on this venture with an understanding of the far past and a thirst for the far future. None of it had to do with anything though. They just did it to do it.

You had it so good. This was only the beginning

In explaining the new policy, Senior Director of Venue Operations, Allison Hamilton, explained, saying “We are happy to have Phish fans come to the park and enjoy the shows here, but we have to think like a business and having Phish fans learn from their experience here and become store employees will improve our staffing ability, build the brand name and ensure that these fans are making money while waiting for the next shows.”

She added, “Yes, every Phish fans will have a guaranteed week off the end of August to come to shows at Dick’s and a few days in early September to recuperate, then it’s back to work. We want you here dancing and having fun, but the rest of the years, its time to work.”

In fact, it turns out you might be working at Dick’s already and not know it! Early training is taking place for some fans who have said in the past “I will NEVER miss a Phish show at Dick’s, EVER”, leading Dick’s to have the authority to compel these fans to be their new employees.

This is where you work now, hippie

Phish fans will be able to work in a variety of departments, although camping and fishing gear is likely where everyone will end up.

The only way out for fans is to not go to the Labor Day weekend shows, which means your face will not get fucked, nor will you get all the S’s you could ask for. Basically, its either work for Dick’s or no Phish at Dick’s for you.

“Our updated terms of service help protect you, and prevent the casual relationship from going dry”, said Dick’s CEO and Chairman Ed Stack. He followed up saying, “And by the way, these new Phish fans serving as Dick’s employees will be specifically known as Dickheads.”