Thinking he was buying a ticket for an advance Halloween screening of Star Wars VII: The Force Awakening; local Philadelphia man Rick Sajec was in for a very rude disturbance in the force when he discovered he actually bought tickets to see upstate New York jam band moe.
“I figured it was the city of brotherly love, and well a brother does love his sister so why wouldn’t Star Wars have a sneak peak here in Philly?” Sajec told The Phunion. The man who works as a power plant employee by day went on to share that he is making the most of the screw up.
“Well, if it is some hippie thing, there are probably a ton of hot women looking to get all slutty in their medal bikinis like Princess Leia. I look a lot like Jabba the Hutt and love Cosplay so anything is possible.”
When asked about how much he paid for a ticket to the sold out show, Sajec seemed rather upset.
“Fuck man, I paid like $80 bucks off Stubhub. Totally bummed about that, but according to my buddy at the plant, these hippie kids love noz. I figure I head down early to the Fillmore and sell some balloons from my new R2D2 Nitrous tank. Sure, it may not exactly be legal, but as long as you sell to the Bobba Fett’s and Stormtroopers and avoid the Jedi’s shit should be easier than using Ewoks to trip up AT-AT’s on Endor.”
moe. is set to perform at the Fillmore in Philadelphia on October 30th and 31st. Tickets are still available for the 30th, because it’s moe. and they rarely sell anything out. As of press time we can’t confirm if moe. guitarist As Schiner will dress as C-3PO, but he sure does have the perfect head for it.
There’s no denying that Lettuce is one of the freshest produce products around town. The plant continues to evolve and grow as they power on with their pursuit of putting on some of the funkiest meal time performances.
Fortunately, fans will have a new means to go up close and personal with the main ingredient of salad in November 2015. LettucePlay, a totally bullshit documentary not produced by The Phunion, follows life for a head of lettuce inside of a kitchen. The 35-minute film merges footage from various angles including the knife used to chop right through the head. Filmed over a six-hour period, the footage chronicles the mechanics of using a kitchen knife and the artistry behind making a fucking salad. Viewers will get an in-depth diagnosis of the lettuce, because who doesn’t love a good salad?
Check out the trailer for LettucePlay, which stars Olivia Saez, right here:
Here is where you can catch Lettuce in the new few months:
Hell, you can even get funky with Lettuce at Taco Bell
Real Fans are very excited for November the 2nd. On that afternoon, Trey Anastasio and his gang of above average musicians will storm the Warner Bros. Lot in beautiful Burbank California. There they plan to play one of the Dad Rock songs off the Ginger Jedi’s latest waste of a vinyl press, Paper Wheels. With at least one D level website sucking Trey’s midlife crisis jams like it was James Deen’s cock, this TV performance will be the most talked about TBS appearance since Page McConnell was seen rooting the Mets in the playoffs earlier this month.
Always one to help out a fellow ginger looking to go solo; Anastasio hand-picked Warren Haynes to open up his highly anticipated Conan performance with a choice cut from his latest album. Sadly for Haynes, not only did Anastasio replace him in the Grateful Dead, he also allegedly put several stipulations upon the beloved southern man. Not only did Haynes have to play a week before Anastasio, he also was not allowed to dine at the Poquito Mas located across the way from Conan’s sound stage. While we can’t confirm if Haynes was forced to head off lot for lunch, we can share his performance of Is It Me Or You? down below.
Rolling in cash from record sell outs for their Mexican vacation and return to the World’s Most Famous Karaoke Bar – Madison Square Garden; Phish drill-master Mike Gordon has announced a handful of west coast tour dates for Winter 2016.
Okay, so the grown ass man they call Cactus didn’t actually announce them since he’s stuck in the 1990’s updating his fucking answering machine. However several venues have tweeted that the prolific tweeter plans to make music in small clubs and theatres instead of performing in arenas with his three BFF’s from college. Then again, with both Fish and Trey crying over the fact that their idol Russell Wilson will not be playing football in January, a solo tour from Gordon saves us from having to see a member of Phish cry like a bitch up on stage once again.
Here are the confirmed yet not actually confirmed Mike Gordon Band dates as of press time. Unlike Umphrey’s McGee, Mike Gordon probably won’t have an opening band on these dates, because he doesn’t fucking need one.
Mike Gordon Band Winter 2016 Tour Dates:
01/22 Emo’s, Austin Tx
01/23 Numbers, Houston, TX
01/24 Granada Theater, Dallas, TX
01/26 Rialto Theatre, Tucson, AZ
01/27 Orpheum Theater, Flagstaff, AZ
01/29 The Fonda Theatre, Los Angeles, CA
01/30 The Observatory North Park, San Diego, CA
01/31 The Fillmore, San Francisco, CA
02/02 Crystal Ballroom, Portland, OR
02/03 Neptune Theatre, Seattle, WA
02/05 Park City Live, Park City, UT
02/06 Gothic Theatre, Denver, CO
With Bonnaroo fast approaching, this year’s Super Jam, always a highlight of the annual festival in Tennessee, will feature former members of popular jambands.
The Super Jam, led by Nigel Hall (The Nth Power, Nigel Hall Band, Lettuce, Jon Cleary, lots of bands) will incorporate well known musicians who have parted ways with their former bandmates. Todd Stoops (RAQ, Kung Fu), Jeff Austin (Yonder Mountain String Band, Jeff Austin Band, Otep), David Murphy (STS9), Tom DeLonge (Blink 182) and Dickey Betts (Allman Brother Band, Great Southern) will headline an all-star lineup of ‘What happened to that guy?’ and raising questions of ‘How are they going to play together? They’re not even the same genres.’
“We fully expect Tom to get too drunk to perform but he insists,” reported Dave Mustaine (Metallica, Megadeth) who is curating the Super Jam. “Dickey is presumed to be the wild card for this but this new guy Stoops definitely is on my radar.”
Added Mustaine, “I have no fucking idea what music they are going to play, but it’s going to be loud and fast and over way before it should be, much like our careers with our former bands.”
It all kicks off at 2am on Saturday night at Bonnaroo, with special guests including Jeff Holdsworth and Marc Daubert, formerly of Phish, while Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver) and Dave Navarro (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jane’s Addiction, Carmen Electra) will show up really late but with some really good drugs, and all will be forgiven.
Rumors circulate that Vulvatron from GWAR will be the lone female performer at the Super Jam in a yet undetermined role, although a supply of fake blood at Bonnaroo has proved to be difficult to obtain thus far.
Inspired by Jam Panties and those silly knickers Phan Art is always trying to sell, Phish plans to move into the more adult oriented merchandise world. The band plans to unleash several new sex toys which will be available during summer tour. We here at The Phunion got a sneak peak at them and let’s just say kinkster Phish fans who are looking for something a bit harder than #UmphLove are in for a treat.
Don’t kid yourselves perverts, you had to have that. What’s that you ask? The Wombat blow up doll. With this great new toy, you won’t need to worry about moving forward, you only have to focus on giving it in the behind. Sorry Phans, Abe Vigoda is not included.
Punch You In The Brown Eye:
It’s no secret that wooks love butt sex. What better way to warm your dread locked lover up than with the Punch You In The Brown Eye butt plug. Shaped like a fish, this mid-size back side joy ride’s only downside is that lot dogs could confuse it for a chew toy. The plug will be available in several colors including the Fishman donut pattern ™.
Bouncing Around The Ben Wa Balls:
If a woman is rather hard to keep, well, we can’t legally suggest that you tie her up. However, if you want her to dance above you as you sink, may we suggest these incredible Bouncing Around The Ben Wa Balls? Made with only the finest material, these won’t fall out of your lovely lady as she rages during a massive second set Down With Disease.
Paul & Silas Handcuffs:
Want to keep your man bound and chained all night long? The Paul & Silas handcuffs are the perfect thing for you. Limited to three pairs a show, each cuff will feature the shows date and venue engraved into the stainless steel.
While many of us hope to see a second jam return to Mike’s Song, with Mike’s Dong, you can jam it as many times as you (or your partner) can handle. Bigger than the bass bombs Gordon drops during those all so sacred moments, this thing is massive. 2 ounces of Weekapaug Lube included with all purchases.
While many will tell you that ball gags and nooses simply don’t mix, Master Palmer isn’t concerned with your safety. This extremely hardcore set will rock your favorite submissive harder than the 9/14/99 version of the song that this naughty treat takes its name from. This item is only recommended for people who saw Phish before the hiatus.
Phish has asked all us to stress the importance of a safe word to each and everyone of you debating buying these products. Trey has personally requested that you use ‘Fuego’ as your safe word, since it worked so well for him last summer.
In light of whiny Summer Camp fans creating a petition to have EDM-Duo Krewella removed from the festival’s lineup, Phish fans have petitioned to have Phish removed from the lineup of MagnaBall.
“We just think that Trey will be all Jerry’d out by the end of tour and wanking some noodly solos from 1973 and we just don’t want it to come to that, so we started this petition,” per petition author Jeremy Duckhill. “Besides, there are better bands who can play Phish’s festival. We had Del McCoury Band, Ozomatli, The Slip and, jah rest his soul, Son Seals at Oswego. Surely we can bring a new, fresh act to play for the 30,000 who attend this summer’s festival.”
Inspired by Glastonbury attendees asking for a replacement for Kanye West’s appearance this coming summer, the hope is that a true jam band can replace Phish. Early reports indicate Umphrey’s McGee is the early frontrunner as they have been able to hold their own at such major festivals at Summer Camp and that other one they play a lot. Additionally, Brendan Bayliss, Joel Cummins and Andy Farag were already planning to make the trip to Watkins Glen, so bringing the other 3, just in case, shouldn’t be too tall an order.
When reached for comment, Mike Gordon didn’t acknowledge the petition but simply said ‘No.’
For the second year in a row, Umphrey’s McGee left the safe and cozy Hollywood club scene and headed south to Koreatown for their obligatory visit to Southern California. Typically reserved for undersold STS9 and Widespread Panic gigs, the Wiltern Theatre is one of the classier venues Los Angeles has for live music entertainment. You could imagine our shock when the band’s publicity team turned us down for media credentials for what was to be another undersold and under-appreciated jam band gig in the city of Angels. We use Peter Jennings as our Twitter AVI for Jake’s sake. Apparently the joke was on us as we showed up to the Art Deco theatre and discovered that there were actually 2,000 people willing to see Umphrey’s McGee in Los Angeles on a Friday night.
As one would imagine, the lot scene was off the charts. Contained to a multi-story parking structure, we put our Fitbit to the test walking up and down looking for any sign of life before show time. Unfortunately for us all we found was some dude named Burton who was listening to the 3/6/09 “Squirming Coil” while drinking a Blue Moon. Not one for conversation, we decided perhaps we would just hit the street. From bacon wrapped hot dogs to heavy metal flavored t-shirts, Wilshire and Western was bumping with vendors willing to accept both US and Mexican currency. Not one for bacon, we soon discovered the best pre-party to be had was drinks at Beer Belly with the legendary Stardog97.
One simply does not Umph alone. The Phunion’s Mexican Cousin had a tough time on a freeway in Los Angeles as porn stars flooded the 101 out of Chatsworth heading home from a long week of bukkake and gang bangs. An old Dead Head who had never heard of Umphrey’s McGee, his security search took longer than mine because he is brown. Once we made it into the venue, we showed our driver’s license in exchange for those fancy paper bracelets that always end up removing several strands of arm hair. A small sacrifice to pay for the right to purchase 20 ounces of Lagunitas IPA for $16 plus tip.
We found our seats up in the balcony midway through the set of the opening act for the evening, Joshua Redman and the Revivalists. While well respected Fox News analyst Hey Scotty B! would describe the act as a New Orleans Led Zeppelin, we feel this statement couldn’t be further from the truth. What we saw was O.A.R. with the kid who lost American Idol to Kelly Clarkson on vocals. Shit has piss poor musical reality show written all over it. If that is your thing, more power to you, but why would a band that covers the likes of Tool and Rage Against The Machine bring out something so manufactured is mind boggling?! If you want to give 1,900 dudes and 100 women a true taste of New Orleans, do the world a favor and at least give us Goatwhore.
Before Umphrey’s played their first set, we met the drummer of local band Headless Robot. He was a unique character with ironic upper lip hair. He spewed words like an Eddie Van Jake Cinninger guitar solo. He has never heard of The Phunion and we have never heard of his band so we are pretty much even. Then Umphrey’s came out and played a set of music. They thanked Los Angeles. I think two of them had a baseball cap on, but it may have been three. Some dude named Waffle gave us an orgasm and a seizure at the same time. It was wild, you had to be there.
Set break was a pretty crazy scene. With the dude to chick ratio way out of whack, the lower bathrooms flooded at the venue. Apparently the 1,887 dudes in Phish shirts really enjoy their $16 plus tip beer. This forced everyone upstairs where the demand for the seven places to defecate was higher than the demand for Dead 50 tickets. It should also be reported that the venue sold out of Haribo Gummy Bears after wooks went ham on the delicious fat free treat and we were stuck surviving off Sour Patch Kids for the second set. The musical highlight of the evening also occurred during set break, as the band spun “Ænima” by Tool much to the delight of the asshole who wore an Amon Amarth shirt to the show.
That second set started off with a lot of notes right in a row. Suffering from a severe lack of showers, bassist Ryan Stasik had some sweet dance moves while rocking an outfit that looked as if he was a member of 311. They brought Redman out a lot, but not the Redman you are thinking of. They also put several people to sleep in the balcony. The best part of the show was the 52 seconds that they sounded like Meshuggah. The worst part of the show was the lack of cape on Joel Cummins. If you are not going to go balls deep into the heavy and play music with a dude who sings like he does, you need a fucking cape. We asked our intern to do a quick Google search thinking perhaps they don’t have vegan capes, but he gave us ‘tude and mentioned he was refreshing the Natalie Cressman Twitter feed just in case she pulled a Hayley Williams. Remind us to never take on an intern from UCLA again.
In sticking with the spirit of Los Angeles, we left at the encore break to beat traffic. Such a Dodgers fan move but we wanted Taco Bell cause YOLO. This of course meant we missed a “Plunger” encore dedicated to us, but hey, we at the Phunion don’t need the ego boost because sometimes Mike Gordon responds to our tweets. Besides, if anyone should be grateful for an ego boost it’s Umphrey’s McGee. Playing over 391 shows a year for 9 consecutive years the group should be proud that their hard work is paying off. In a town where Trey Anastasio can bring roughly 5,000 people out to the Hollywood Bowl, the Attention Deficit jam rockers are now a solid second tier option for all the transplants who can no longer get nearly enough Phish shows.
In a quest for authenticity at the ‘Core Four’ shows this July 3-5, and to placate Deadheads who are upset with the choice of guitarist, Phish front man Trey Anastasio announced today that he will amputate the middle finger on his right hand in order to strive for more authenticity during the shows.
When reached for comment, Anastasio noted that virulently angry Deadheads gave him no choice, and that if he was going to play Wolf, he was going to do so the way Jerry did – with four fingers and lots of fried food in his stomach. “Look I can’t say how much of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity this is for me, so if I have to go the extra mile for this, so be it. I’ll have the surgery soon so I can heal and practice to find Jerry’s four finger sound.” Anastasio then lamented having to deep fry his beloved Clif Bars and opt for buttermilk instead of cold green tea.
Needless to say, Phish fans were upset, but The Phunion can confirm that the superfluous digit will be reattached in time for Phish’s Summer Tour and will not interfere with Trey’s flubbing.