Phish fans convened in Commerce City, Colorado last weekend and based on early reports from local economists, the state of Colorado is drug free for the first time in its history.
“They cleaned us out man. It was unreal”, reported dispensary manager Geoff Monohan. “And you thought that Sand was awesome Sunday night? Dude, you know nothing.
Our store was basically raped.”
Phish fans descending upon Denver en masse has been an annual occurrence since 2011 when he band began playing at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. While it has become clear that Phish and their fans love Dick’s, fans are showing their love for Colorado’s liberalized marijuana laws to the point of looting.
“They came in and bought it up: grams, shatter, edibles. Then they bought drugs downtown and the dealers were cleaned out. Before we knew it, Denver was a drug desert.”
The Babys Mouth didn’t help either. Monahan admitted that even reinforcements from California were no match. “There isn’t any ketamine in a 3 state radius! What is everyone going to do when Lotus plays Red Rocks?!”
It didn’t stop with drugs either. The Phellowship hoarded Flintstones Vitamins across town, while Mr. Miner drank every Starbucks dry just so he could keep listening the the hidden messages in Friday night’s ‘Simple’.
With Phish expected to play Dick’s in 2015, the state of Colorado is already planning to encourage local home growers to hit Shakedown early as demand will surely exceed supply.
I’ve held off on writing about moe. for a decade — or about the length of the average Recreational Chemistry— so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in moe. can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.
Bassist Rob Derhak asleep at a recent moe. gig
• Individual achievement is not a big factor in jam bands. In a real jam band, players rock vacuums or fight bells — all in front of a crowd. When Trey Anastasio rip chords into Backwards Down The Number Line, he knows not to check his Twitter page. But there’s also individual glory in muumuu’s, solo projects, and being able to eat more buffalo wings than that one dude in Widespread Panic.
In moe., the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and only Topper’s self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed fans are called “moe.rons,” not “close family and friends of the band.”
Do they even have MVPs in moe.? Everyone just runs up and down the fret board, every once in a while, Chuck kicks Al’s ass on a solo. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep.
• Liberal moms like moe. because it’s a band in which musical talent finds so little expression that their ex drummer is welcome to come back and beat on some bongos. No serious band has a bongo player, unless of course his name is Domingo and he is old enough to collect social security.
• No other jam band play the same exploratory jam over and over as much as moe. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a moe. show last week: “2nd set, 11 minutes left, still nothing interesting about a Seat of My Pants jam.” Two hours later, another moe. show was underway was on the same screen: “1st set, 8 minutes left, Rob looks bored during Buster once again. If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of 6/22/2002 instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.
Even in the Disco Biscuits, there are very few boring jams — and it’s a lot harder to see that band when a half the group is playing in a new band called Conspirator.
• The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as an improvisational jam. Most jams are sublimated warfare. As Lady Grace Potter reportedly said after moe. covered Ween some years ago: Don’t worry. After all, twice in this century Phish covered a far superior song from Chocolate and Cheese.
Phish and Umphrey’s McGee present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In String Cheese Incident, there are three or four times a set where you may get hit with a hula-hoop. — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be Kang with that tiny mandolin and a giant piece of plastic flying at your head. After an Avicii gig, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a moe. gig, all 75 fans in attendance get a ribbon and a juice box.
• You can’t sell out tiny venues when you are moe. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to order your tickets in advance.) What sets moe. apart from the other bands, besides talent, is that we have to fight scalpers just to get lawn tickets. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a band so boring that there are always plenty of tickets available at the door during the night of the show.
• I resent the force-fed aspect of moe. The same people trying to push moe. on Americans are the ones demanding that we love the band Haim, the traffic getting into Lockn Festival isn’t that bad, the Washington Redskins name praises indigenous persons, and Michelle Bachmann’s husband looks manly wearing a salmon colored shirt. The number of Buffalo News articles claiming moe. is “catching on” is exceeded only by the ones pretending Michael Franti & Spearhead is fascinating.
I note that we don’t have to be endlessly told how exciting Phish is.
• moe. is foreign. Hell, they are almost from Canada. In fact, that’s the precise reason the Buffalo News is constantly hectoring Americans to love moe. One group of jam band fans with whom moe. is not “catching on” at all, is the Gov’t Mule fan base. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the fine folks of upstate New York like it.
• moe. is like the metric system, which East Coasters also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine. Speaking of mass murder by guillotine, that still sounds better than any version of St. Augustine.
Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to enjoy the album Tin Cans and Car Tires, ask any moe. fan for the temperature, and he’ll say something like “almost as hot as Mexico.” Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he’ll say it’s just far enough to not travel to the next moe. show.
moe. fans get angry and tell us that the bands jam style is more “rational” than the ones other jam bands employ. This is ridiculous. Meat makes Rob Derhak’s thumb far stronger than Meat has made Mike Gordon’s thumb, yet Rob is still rocking Mike Gordon’s hand me downs from the late 90’s. moe. fans claim it’s easy to visualize 32 Things, but how does one visualize STS9? Is that algebra or something?
The moe. vs. Umphrey’s garbage at Summer Camp was impressive, garnering 18.2 million dab hits during the weekend. This beat the second-most dabs at a show, which just so happened to be a Foster The People performance during the second weekend of Coachella.
Run-of-the-mill, regular summer Phish shows in places like Ohio average more than 20 million users of the popular Live Phish app the next day; while West Coast Phish gets get 30 to 40 million listeners the next day; and this year’s New Year’s gig had 111.5 million listeners. Yet you can’t even convince a homeless person at the end of the freeway off ramp to take your old CD-R’s of moe. 2/27/99 since most recycling plants just laugh and turn them away.
If more “Americans” are listening to moe. today, it’s only because of the demographic switch affected by Ronald Reagan’s anti-mental health policies of the early 1980’s. I promise you: No American whose mental health is fine is listening to moe. One can only hope that, in addition to getting the help they need, these mentally-ill Americans will drop their moe. fetish with time.
With Phish’s new album ‘Fuego’ being released today, we at The Phunion took one for the team and wrote the only review of ‘Fuego’ you need to read. Ignore than review in Relix. Disregard a review from Mr. Miner. Cast aside message boards. Read The Phunion’s review of ‘Fuego’. We think it’s better than Umphrey’s McGee’s new album, but that could be said about
Fuego - Last Halloween, Phish pissed all over tradition and used the holiday for some serious market research. That market research showed that white people fucking love their Fuego’s. After all, it took hacks like Phan Art and that kid in Portland, Oregon or something seconds to come up with Fuego designs to sell to wooks from Walla Walla to West Palm Beach. While the 35+ crowd that makes up most of Phish’s fan base embrace the 3.0 Dad Rock era, we here at the Phunion have confirmed that this song does indeed make Vlad The Impaler roll over in his grave.
A better album cover
The Line – Much like the NCAA, Phish is going to make loads and loads of cash off of Darius Washington Jr. with ‘The Line’. Yet, poor Darius once again won’t see a dime for his struggle. Even worse, the much rumored new “Halloween tradition” could see Phish actually crucify Darius onstage during the second set. Bet he didn’t see that in his future when he stepped to The Line.
A better album cover
Devotion to a Dream – No more promises that this song won’t suck live. This song is devoted to one thing – getting bros to like Phish, and with a Jack Johnson/O.A.R. poppy-bullshit sound, it’s going to do the trick. The whole sing-along thing is very mid-90s anyways. What is the dream they are devoted to? Ruining an album? Congrats. Mission: Accomplished.
A better album cover
Halfway to the Moon – So this is the ‘Page’ song on the album and we’ve heard it for a couple years now, knowing it is best enjoyed while taking a leak. Seriously, try it at home – you’ll never have a gentler stream. Anyways, Page wrote this while living in his father’s basement during the band’s breakup. Trey has that neat howling guitar which is meant to mimic Page’s tears at Coventry. Page sounds like he misses the good ol’ days with Vida Blue.
A better album cover
Winterqueen – Why is a Trey Anastasio Band song on a Phish album? Can’t he just leave this for Chainsaw and J-Ha to sing on and make better? Incredibly, you can only hear Trey for the first two minutes of the song – gotta be the first time, right? This song should have joined ‘Snow’ and never been played by Phish and forgotten by the audience immediately. But it’s on the album so we have to pretend to like this when it ruins set 2 at DTE. Oh and nice fake wind sounds Ezrin.
A better album cover
Sing Monica – Sounding a lot like a beach side city in Los Angeles County, Sing Monica truly a hot mess. Granted Phish was at their highest highs in the 1990’s when the hit TV show ‘Friends’ was on the air, everyone knows that Phoebe was the singer in that clique. Regardless of the fact it makes you think of ‘Friends’, the craziest thing about the song isn’t the simple catchy melody, as much as the fact that Phish is trying to get a woman to admit that they are wrong.
A better album cover
555 – So this is the ‘Mike’ song on the ‘Phish’ album. Fishman has those distant vocals, then the backup singers kick-in. Why can’t we have them at Phish shows? Albums get all the cool stuff. 555 is not just the number of Mike’s locker at the local bus station, it’s also the cost of his Varvatos scarf. Enjoy seeing this song on Phish tour and on Mike tour, but really mainly enjoy it on Mike tour.
A better album cover
Waiting All Night – Since Ween no longer makes music together, Phish has decided to channel their Quebec era sound on this laid back track. The band asks a lot of the listener as how can anyone believe that Fish would be Waiting All Night for someone to come home when he has more kids than Bob Marley? Perhaps this is why the song features the same fucking drum beat for five minutes.
A better album cover
Wombat – When Abe Vigoda dies, his tomb stone will read ‘Danced On Stage With Phish In A Wombat Costume’ thanks to this manic break out single. In a shocker to many, the Fred Durst style flows of Fishman and Trey are not the most offensive thing Wombat has going. Nope, that would be borrowing ‘The Lovely Ladies’ from Dave Matthew Band stadium tours to sing backup at the end of the song. I guess Coran Capshaw must have gotten a two-for-one deal there.
A better album cover
Wingsuit – Trey sounds like he and the guys went to a ‘vision quest’ retreat together and ended up seeing wingsuits together, and it felt good so they wrote a song about it. ‘Wingsuit’ sounds like what Peyote feels like (we’re guessing). Thankfully the album wasn’t named ‘Wingsuit’ because all we can think of are condoms with the Fishman dress circles all over them. Let’s hope this becomes the next ’20 Years Later’ in that no one wants to hear the song but the jams turn out amazing after 3 years.
In an effort to improve the experience for festival-goers throughout the country, music festivals have banded together to protest the use of ‘rage sticks’ at all major music festivals this summer.
Starting with Summer Camp and ending at moe.down, rage sticks, or ‘fuck you poles’, will be banned and confiscated upon initial searches of cars once festival-goers enter the festival grounds. “We aren’t just looking for rage sticks, we’re looking for components of rage sticks – duct tape and poles in particular. If you have either, don’t expect to bring them into the campgrounds or to the stages,” said Mike Redman, security chief at Summer Camp. “We’re not allowing anything in that can be made into a rage stick.”
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people?
While the task may be daunting, the need is clear: rage sticks have to go. For far too long, they have been an eyesore, blocking the view of fans, while their creator/owners tilt their necks skyward, marveling at their awesome asshole-ishness.
Umphrey’s McGee lighting director Jeff Waful shared his thoughts on rage sticks, saying “Yeah, it’s great to work on a lighting scheme for ‘Booth Love’ for a few hours, then end up not being able to see it because a handful of douchenozzles decided it was time to show off their arts and crafts project. I love my job, but rage sticks make me wish I was running lighting for a TV station.” Pausing for a moment, Waful then said, “I mean, hypothetically, it would have to be a really awesome TV show, but I’m sure some asshat would ruin that with a rage stick there too.”
Seriously, look at the shit Waful has to put up with:
The proposed list of banned items at ALL major music festivals include:
Phish is planning to retire the original song “AC/DC Bag” at the end of their 2014 Summer Tour, sources have reported. Ending a 28-year run with the band, “AC/DC Bag” has been a staple of many Phish shows, but for now, the song will take its show on the road one last time.
There have been rumors in recent tours of the declining health of Mr. Palmer, mixed with unconfirmed reports of six weeks of execution times booked for Vancouver this spring. Confirmed reasons were cited by Trey in a letter to fans:
“Last Friday night, I got together with Mike, Page and Fish to talk openly about the strong feelings I’ve been having that AC/DC Bag has run its course and that we should end it now while it’s still on a high note. We don’t want the song to become a first set caricature of itself, or worse yet, a nostalgia tune. By the end of the meeting, we realized that after almost twenty-eight years playing AC/DC Bag together, we were faced with the opportunity to graciously step away in unison, as a group, united against ever playing AC/DC Bag again.
So Dick’s will be the final AC/DC Bag performance. We are proud and thrilled that it will be at Dick’s. We hope you will all enjoy our Bag at Dick’s.”
Fans have so far been stunned by the news, with fans scrambling to save up for Hawaii New Years Eve run, and now knowing there will be no Hawaiian Bag later this year. “They’ll play it again, one day. You don’t just stop playing a song!” said an unnamed vet who had seen a reported 125 Bags in his day. Said someone walking by just then, “Dabs.”
Phish fans needn’t worry – they can catch “AC/DC Bag” in the first set of every few shows this summer, a chant of “We Love Bag at Dicks” on August 31, followed by a rebound relationship with “Stealing Time From the Faulty Plan” and, once a year, the Boise Bag.
Want to get something for one of your favorite musicians? Well look no further! We have compiled all the gift ideas for your favorite musicians. Keep them in mind this holiday season while you are out shopping!
$20 plus shipping on Dry Goods (just a guess)
Trey Anastasio – New flannels and lessons from Scott Murawski on how to play “Sugar Shack”.
John Popper – A life size Jonah Hill cardboard cutout.
Marc Brownstein – Neck massage, Fisherman’s Friend and a flat breezy.
Marco Benevento – Anything Makers Mark.
Mike Gordon – Scarves. Lots of scarves. Also, shiny sleeves, shiny pants, shiny sneakers, shiny scarves and a copy of The Shining on laser disc.
The National – Prozac.
Phish Fans – A live DVD in HD.
Tom Marshall – A nice pair of slacks.
Grouplove – lessons on how to jam, to go with their faux hippie image.
Michael Franti – A pick me up.
The Baby’s Mouth – Any Phish from before 2009 (they’re new).
Jon Fishman – A vasectomy.
Dave Schools – Ribs.
John Bell – Whisky.
MGMT – Another 15 minutes.
Sam from Dog Gone Presents – A sense of humor.
Tool – Enough of Maynard’s attention to make a new record.
Phil Lesh – A second verse to the Donor Rap.
Gene Ween – A sober ninja. (We recommend Scotty B).
Arcade Fire fans – Gift cards to The Men’s Warehouse so they can afford an outfit for the show.
Matt Abts – A drum tech who looks just like him.
PhanArt – A haircut that doesn’t look like Fishman from 2010.
Bieber – A full mustache and any Phish from before 2009 (he’s new).
Bob Weir – Life Alert.
John Scofield – Soul.
Mastodon – An agent to book them at hippie festivals, because hippies need to be scared once in a while.
Christmas Jam is proud to announce that for this year’s installment, held in Asheville, North Carolina over Friday the 13th and Saturday the 14th , a hologram of Warren Haynes will be a featured guest throughout the night, allowing Haynes to be on stage, in one form or another, throughout the night’s. With performances from Widespread Panic, Phil Lesh, John Scofield and Grace Potter & The Nocturnals, among many others, Haynes will be able to add his signature guitar sound and vocal howl to every band. While Haynes is accustomed to taking breaks in between sitting in with most bands, his own hologram, rumored to be the first of its kind for a living musician, will cover these breaks and allow Warren Haynes Christmas Jam to embrace its name more than ever before.
Real or hologram Warren? Find out at Christmas Jam!
“This was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up, especially since this is the 25th annual Christmas Jam,” said Haynes. “It just seemed like the right time to debut the hologram and allow me a chance to sit in with everyone without draining myself, but also now I won’t feel bad for not sitting in with a handful of people. I can’t possibly sit in with everyone. The hologram is the great equalizer here.”
One act that has yet to be announced, but will be closing out the night, close to 1am Sunday morning, will be the Warren Haynes Super Christmas Jam. Featuring members of Widespread Panic, Phil Lesh, Grace Potter, Count M’Butu and Col. Bruce Hampton, Warren Haynes will perform select classic rock tunes with the supergroup, including a duet of “White Horses” with Hologram Warren, followed by 10 minutes of trading licks and playing over each other.
“I saw them practicing together and it was the closest to seeing God as I will even get,” said Gregg Allman. “I fully expect Colonel Bruce’s head to explode on stage when he sees not one but TWO Warrens. It is going to be some shit!”
Hologram Jerry was unavailable for comment, due to the hologram company’s priorities being very messed up.
Hologram or real Warren? Find out at Christmas Jam!
Face it, we all love Phish. However, we all know a few individuals who simply don’t know when to say when. In honor of them, we have compiled a list of 23 signs you are listening to too much Phish.
23. You named your Cactus Mike
22. You skipped your father’s funeral so you could ride the rail during a mediocre 2.0 era performance.
21. You have spent hours on Google maps looking at the freeways in Los Angeles
20. You have looked into adopting a wombat
19. You have spent hours watching Justin Bieber videos on YouTube in hopes that Kanter sneaks in a Vultures tease.
18. You signed up for Fantasy Football this year just so you could draft Russell Wilson
17. You spent an entire hour with your shrink working out your anger issues over the loss of the rumor section on Andy Gadiel’s Phish Page.
16. You convince yourself you have the power to officially ban people from Phish tour.
15. You cut off any car with a Phish sticker that you see in order to show off your stickers and that nifty Slave To The Traffic Light license plate frame (Editor’s Note: We have never seen the above vehicle cut anyone off. We just think it’s a really cool picture)
14. You hold art conventions at crappy hotels in Atlantic City
13. You went to a Dick’s Sporting Goods store and bought a soccer ball. You never used it, instead it sits in the back of your trunk next to your jumper cables.
12. You go above and beyond the call of duty when taking care of your shoes
11. You skip important phone calls knowing that if you pause the LivePhish app, you will never make it through that Rock & Roll
10. You have started change.org petitions urging Subway to create a special French Toast Monte Cristo $5 footlong in honor of Page McConnell
(Note: You can sign our actual petition for this cause here.)
9. You weren’t disappointed with the Halloween cover set or thought it would be uncool to say you were.
8. You’ve slept with someone you met via twitter / “Twibe.”
7. You enjoy anonymously making fun of Antelope Greg
6. You have a playlist called “HeyScottyB’s favorite Harry Hoods of All-Time to be Learned and Memorized.”
5. You’ve met Trey. On purpose. Like you followed him.
4. Siri knows the difference between Phish and Fish
3. You enjoy telling fans of the The Hangover that Todd Phillips also directed a Phish documentary.
Yes, we once again plan to italicize the fact we 100% stole this idea from Relix, and yes we once again will set up pretty hyperlinks so you can read our cases for Kill ‘Em All, Hot Fuss, and No Doy.
As we touched on in our case for Hot Fuss, Phish has kept things conservative and old school with their past musical costumes. JEMP marketing research not made public but leaked to us from a source that asked to remain anonymous has indicated that kids in dorms today no longer trade Phish tapes. The research went onto share that the average college sophomore would rather trade EDM files instead.
With Phish fans getting older, the band is in desperate need of some youth interjection. What better way to do that then drop the Scary Monsters & Nice Sprites EP by Skrillex on Atlantic City. Who doesn’t love Scary Monsters on Halloween? Using a mix of their traditional instruments and the boom box that drowned out that legendary Blackwood Convention gig back in 1983, Phish could once again catapult themselves into the dorm rooms of America with a ferocious cover of this modern day classic.
Why They Might Do It: If the set up above is not reason enough, how about the potential of injecting some new life into a musical outfit who has never feared trying new things? Not including remixes, Scary Monsters & Nice Sprites is four tracks spanning roughly 14 minutes in length. Clearly The Phish From Vermont will use songs like “Rock n Roll (Will Take You To The Mountain)” as vessels of lengthy improvised explorations of the legendary brown note, but look for “Kill Everybody” to be the true standout moment of the night. An ample opportunity to show the world that vacuum solos were the original dubstep bass drop, look for Fishman to have a field day with this uplifting ditty.
Why They Probably Won’t Do It: It’s fucking Skrillex.