1. Former Jamband Members Highlight Bonnaroo Super Jam

    June 9, 2015 by TreyAntipasta

    With Bonnaroo fast approaching, this year’s Super Jam, always a highlight of the annual festival in Tennessee, will feature former members of popular jambands.

    bonnaroo-superjam-2006

    The Super Jam, led by Nigel Hall (The Nth Power, Nigel Hall Band, Lettuce, Jon Cleary, lots of bands) will incorporate well known musicians who have parted ways with their former bandmates. Todd Stoops (RAQ, Kung Fu), Jeff Austin (Yonder Mountain String Band, Jeff Austin Band, Otep), David Murphy (STS9), Tom DeLonge (Blink 182) and Dickey Betts (Allman Brother Band, Great Southern) will headline an all-star lineup of ‘What happened to that guy?’ and raising questions of  ‘How are they going to play together? They’re not even the same genres.’

    Picture 5

    “We fully expect Tom to get too drunk to perform but he insists,” reported Dave Mustaine (Metallica, Megadeth) who is curating the Super Jam. “Dickey is presumed to be the wild card for this but this new guy Stoops definitely is on my radar.”

    Added Mustaine, “I have no fucking idea what music they are going to play, but it’s going to be loud and fast and over way before it should be, much like our careers with our former bands.”

    Broo14_Logo_BW_BlackBackground

    It all kicks off at 2am on Saturday night at Bonnaroo, with special guests including Jeff Holdsworth and Marc Daubert, formerly of Phish, while Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver) and Dave Navarro (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jane’s Addiction, Carmen Electra) will show up really late but with some really good drugs, and all will be forgiven.

    Rumors circulate that Vulvatron from GWAR will be the lone female performer at the Super Jam in a yet undetermined role, although a supply of fake blood at Bonnaroo has proved to be difficult to obtain thus far.


  2. Fuck Your Face: The Phunion Previews A Brand New Line Of Sex Toys From Phish

    June 7, 2015 by RobertPalmerPlore

    Inspired by Jam Panties and those silly knickers Phan Art is always trying to sell, Phish plans to move into the more adult oriented merchandise world. The band plans to unleash several new sex toys which will be available during summer tour. We here at The Phunion got a sneak peak at them and let’s just say kinkster Phish fans who are looking for something a bit harder than #UmphLove are in for a treat.

    The Wombat:

    wombat

    Don’t kid yourselves perverts, you had to have that. What’s that you ask? The Wombat blow up doll. With this great new toy, you won’t need to worry about moving forward, you only have to focus on giving it in the behind. Sorry Phans, Abe Vigoda is not included.

    Punch You In The Brown Eye:

    punch you in the brown eye
    It’s no secret that wooks love butt sex. What better way to warm your dread locked lover up than with the Punch You In The Brown Eye butt plug. Shaped like a fish, this mid-size back side joy ride’s only downside is that lot dogs could confuse it for a chew toy. The plug will be available in several colors including the Fishman donut pattern ™.

    Bouncing Around The Ben Wa Balls:

    bem wa balls

    If a woman is rather hard to keep, well, we can’t legally suggest that you tie her up. However, if you want her to dance above you as you sink, may we suggest these incredible Bouncing Around The Ben Wa Balls? Made with only the finest material, these won’t fall out of your lovely lady as she rages during a massive second set Down With Disease.

    Paul & Silas Handcuffs:

    paul and silas

    Want to keep your man bound and chained all night long? The Paul & Silas handcuffs are the perfect thing for you. Limited to three pairs a show, each cuff will feature the shows date and venue engraved into the stainless steel.

    Mike’s Dong:

    mike's dong

    While many of us hope to see a second jam return to Mike’s Song, with Mike’s Dong, you can jam it as many times as you (or your partner) can handle. Bigger than the bass bombs Gordon drops during those all so sacred moments, this thing is massive. 2 ounces of Weekapaug Lube included with all purchases.

    AC/DC Gag:

    ac dc gag
    While many will tell you that ball gags and nooses simply don’t mix, Master Palmer isn’t concerned with your safety. This extremely hardcore set will rock your favorite submissive harder than the 9/14/99 version of the song that this naughty treat takes its name from. This item is only recommended for people who saw Phish before the hiatus.

    Phish has asked all us to stress the importance of a safe word to each and everyone of you debating buying these products. Trey has personally requested that you use ‘Fuego’ as your safe word, since it worked so well for him last summer.


  3. Phish Fans File Petition to Remove Phish from Magnaball Lineup

    March 20, 2015 by TreyAntipasta

    In light of whiny Summer Camp fans creating a petition to have EDM-Duo Krewella removed from the festival’s lineup, Phish fans have petitioned to have Phish removed from the lineup of MagnaBall.

    No Phishing

    “We just think that Trey will be all Jerry’d out by the end of tour and wanking some noodly solos from 1973 and we just don’t want it to come to that, so we started this petition,” per petition author Jeremy Duckhill. “Besides, there are better bands who can play Phish’s festival. We had Del McCoury Band, Ozomatli, The Slip and, jah rest his soul, Son Seals at Oswego. Surely we can bring a new, fresh act to play for the 30,000 who attend this summer’s festival.”

    Inspired by Glastonbury attendees asking for a replacement for Kanye West’s appearance this coming summer, the hope is that a true jam band can replace Phish. Early reports indicate Umphrey’s McGee is the early frontrunner as they have been able to hold their own at such major festivals at Summer Camp and that other one they play a lot. Additionally, Brendan Bayliss, Joel Cummins and Andy Farag were already planning to make the trip to Watkins Glen, so bringing the other 3, just in case, shouldn’t be too tall an order.

    When reached for comment, Mike Gordon didn’t acknowledge the petition but simply said ‘No.’


  4. Welcome To The B List: Umphrey’s McGee Live In Los Angeles

    March 9, 2015 by RobertPalmerPlore

    For the second year in a row, Umphrey’s McGee left the safe and cozy Hollywood club scene and headed south to Koreatown for their obligatory visit to Southern California. Typically reserved for undersold STS9 and Widespread Panic gigs, the Wiltern Theatre is one of the classier venues Los Angeles has for live music entertainment. You could imagine our shock when the band’s publicity team turned us down for media credentials for what was to be another undersold and under-appreciated jam band gig in the city of Angels. We use Peter Jennings as our Twitter AVI for Jake’s sake. Apparently the joke was on us as we showed up to the Art Deco theatre and discovered that there were actually 2,000 people willing to see Umphrey’s McGee in Los Angeles on a Friday night.11026278_10205554828726756_439525978491406818_n

    As one would imagine, the lot scene was off the charts. Contained to a multi-story parking structure, we put our Fitbit to the test walking up and down looking for any sign of life before show time. Unfortunately for us all we found was some dude named Burton who was listening to the 3/6/09 “Squirming Coil” while drinking a Blue Moon. Not one for conversation, we decided perhaps we would just hit the street. From bacon wrapped hot dogs to heavy metal flavored t-shirts, Wilshire and Western was bumping with vendors willing to accept both US and Mexican currency. Not one for bacon, we soon discovered the best pre-party to be had was drinks at Beer Belly with the legendary Stardog97.

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    One simply does not Umph alone. The Phunion’s Mexican Cousin had a tough time on a freeway in Los Angeles as porn stars flooded the 101 out of Chatsworth heading home from a long week of bukkake and gang bangs. An old Dead Head who had never heard of Umphrey’s McGee, his security search took longer than mine because he is brown. Once we made it into the venue, we showed our driver’s license in exchange for those fancy paper bracelets that always end up removing several strands of arm hair. A small sacrifice to pay for the right to purchase 20 ounces of Lagunitas IPA for $16 plus tip.

    We found our seats up in the balcony midway through the set of the opening act for the evening, Joshua Redman and the Revivalists. While well respected Fox News analyst Hey Scotty B! would describe the act as a New Orleans Led Zeppelin, we feel this statement couldn’t be further from the truth. What we saw was O.A.R. with the kid who lost American Idol to Kelly Clarkson on vocals. Shit has piss poor musical reality show written all over it. If that is your thing, more power to you, but why would a band that covers the likes of Tool and Rage Against The Machine bring out something so manufactured is mind boggling?! If you want to give 1,900 dudes and 100 women a true taste of New Orleans, do the world a favor and at least give us Goatwhore.

    Before Umphrey’s played their first set, we met the drummer of local band Headless Robot. He was a unique character with ironic upper lip hair. He spewed words like an Eddie Van Jake Cinninger guitar solo. He has never heard of The Phunion and we have never heard of his band so we are pretty much even. Then Umphrey’s came out and played a set of music. They thanked Los Angeles. I think two of them had a baseball cap on, but it may have been three. Some dude named Waffle gave us an orgasm and a seizure at the same time. It was wild, you had to be there.

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    Set break was a pretty crazy scene. With the dude to chick ratio way out of whack, the lower bathrooms flooded at the venue. Apparently the 1,887 dudes in Phish shirts really enjoy their $16 plus tip beer. This forced everyone upstairs where the demand for the seven places to defecate was higher than the demand for Dead 50 tickets. It should also be reported that the venue sold out of Haribo Gummy Bears after wooks went ham on the delicious fat free treat and we were stuck surviving off Sour Patch Kids for the second set. The musical highlight of the evening also occurred during set break, as the band spun “Ænima” by Tool much to the delight of the asshole who wore an Amon Amarth shirt to the show.

    That second set started off with a lot of notes right in a row. Suffering from a severe lack of showers, bassist Ryan Stasik had some sweet dance moves while rocking an outfit that looked as if he was a member of 311. They brought Redman out a lot, but not the Redman you are thinking of. They also put several people to sleep in the balcony. The best part of the show was the 52 seconds that they sounded like Meshuggah. The worst part of the show was the lack of cape on Joel Cummins. If you are not going to go balls deep into the heavy and play music with a dude who sings like he does, you need a fucking cape. We asked our intern to do a quick Google search thinking perhaps they don’t have vegan capes, but he gave us ‘tude and mentioned he was refreshing the Natalie Cressman Twitter feed just in case she pulled a Hayley Williams. Remind us to never take on an intern from UCLA again.

    rick wakeman

    In sticking with the spirit of Los Angeles, we left at the encore break to beat traffic. Such a Dodgers fan move but we wanted Taco Bell cause YOLO. This of course meant we missed a “Plunger” encore dedicated to us, but hey, we at the Phunion don’t need the ego boost because sometimes Mike Gordon responds to our tweets. Besides, if anyone should be grateful for an ego boost it’s Umphrey’s McGee. Playing over 391 shows a year for 9 consecutive years the group should be proud that their hard work is paying off. In a town where Trey Anastasio can bring roughly 5,000 people out to the Hollywood Bowl, the Attention Deficit jam rockers are now a solid second tier option for all the transplants who can no longer get nearly enough Phish shows.

    The finest promotion a trust fund can buy

     


  5. Trey to Amputate Middle Finger to Appease Deadheads

    January 22, 2015 by pages mistress

    In a quest for authenticity at the ‘Core Four’ shows this July 3-5, and to placate Deadheads who are upset with the choice of guitarist, Phish front man Trey Anastasio announced today that he will amputate the middle finger on his right hand in order to strive for more authenticity during the shows.

    TreyAsJerry

    When reached for comment, Anastasio noted that virulently angry Deadheads gave him no choice, and that if he was going to play Wolf, he was going to do so the way Jerry did – with four fingers and lots of fried food in his stomach. “Look I can’t say how much of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity this is for me, so if I have to go the extra mile for this, so be it. I’ll have the surgery soon so I can heal and practice to find Jerry’s four finger sound.” Anastasio then lamented having to deep fry his beloved Clif Bars and opt for buttermilk instead of cold green tea.

    Needless to say, Phish fans were upset, but The Phunion can confirm that the superfluous digit will be reattached in time for Phish’s Summer Tour and will not interfere with Trey’s flubbing.

     


  6. All Your Trey and the Dead Memes Belong to Us

    January 20, 2015 by TreyAntipasta

    You post them, we find them and add them. We have six months of this ahead of us. Bring your ‘A’ Game, whether that stands for Alligator or Axilla, and we’ll share them.

     


  7. Vegas Betting Lines on Phish

    October 29, 2014 by TreyAntipasta

    You’re headed to Vegas and you want a little something other than Acey Duecey, Pai-gow Poker and $5 slot machines. What’s a Phish fan to do with all that trust fund money? The Phunion has the answer – Phish Prop Bets.

    cash-stockpile-betting-bank

    Find The Phunion and make bets on the following and WIN BIG! Unless Phish plays wingsuit>Velvet Sea for an encore, then we all suffer collectively.

    PLACE YOUR BETS!!!

    555, Fuego, Wingsuit are played, Odds: 1 to 1

    A Mike’s Song over 8 minutes, Odds: 8 to 1

    A Mike;s with a second jam, Odds: 100 to 1sure_bets

    Harpua, Odds: 1000 to 1

    Icculus, Odds: 10000 to 1

    Lushington, Odds: 82914 to 1

    Antelope Greg ejected by security, Odds: 450 to 1

    i-49422c2da0d9520a6c0af1ae58f36980-gambling

    Trey nails guitar parts in Sugar Shack, Odds: 5000 to 1

    Ghost played on Halloween, Odds: 3 to 2

    Nitrous Mafia set up by the Wheel of Fortune slots, Odds: 25 to 1

    Led Zeppelin album cover, Odds: 3 to 1

    Arcade Fire album cover, Odds: 35 to 1

    Phish fans don’t complain or bitch about this Fall Tour being lackluster: 9.3 x 10^6


  8. You Will Never Believe What Covers Phish has in Store this Halloween

    October 27, 2014 by TreyAntipasta

    With Phish probably, maybe so, maybe not playing an album this Halloween show, The Phunion got together and came up with a list of random covers that Phish should play instead of some album everyone is going to bitch about anyway. Add your ideas in the comments below:

    Beck “Golden Age”, just to cause stats confusion.

    “Viva Las Vegas” with special guest vocalist Jello Biafra.

    Foo Fighters “The Pretender”, since Dave Grohl needs the money.

    The Doobie Brothers’ “Jesus is Just Alright With Me”, because they already played “Jesus Left Chicago” and this will appease The Phellowship.

    Daft Punk “Voyager”, to show that no matter what, Phish is better than Umphrey’s at everything.

    ELO “Evil Woman”, dedicated to Page’s ex-wife, Sophie.

    Trey Anastasio Band “Liquid Time”, yes, we called it a TAB song.

    Taylor Swift “Shake”, Phish’s way of bringing attention to Parkinson’s.

    Ozzy Osbourne “No More Tears”, dedicated to the Coventry Wading.

    Megan Trainor “All About That Bass”, since it’s better than ‘Contact’ ever was.

    Metallica “Master of Puppets” – is Fishman on par with Lars? Doubtful, but this will prove it either way.

    Any Billy Joel song – Piano Man can suck it


  9. The Phunion Ranked Jambands by Tiers, You Won’t Believe Where The McLovins Ended Up

    October 15, 2014 by TreyAntipasta

    The debate is over. All this talk of what tier some jambands are on is now settled. We used 3 scientific calculators, an abacus, two slide rules and a map of the stars to come up with this list. The result: a definitive list of jambands, ranked by tier

    4-tier-curved-swim-spa-step

    1st Tier
    Phish
    There is no other band in this tier for a reason.

    2nd Tier
    Grateful Dead, Widespread Panic, Bassnectar, Umphrey’s McGee
    The Dead would be higher, but they couldn’t handle their shit.

    3rd Tier
    Mike Gordon Band, Allman Brothers Band, Disco Biscuits, Gov’t Mule
    Allmans would be higher but too many cancelled shows and we cant make the Beacon shows now.

    4th Tier
    moe., Trey Anastasio Band, Dave Matthews Band, The Black Crowes, Hot Tuna, Tom Petty
    AKA, the Dad Rock tier.

    5th Tier
    Strings Cheese Incident, The Motet, EOTO, Yonder Mountain String Band, Leftover Salmon, Big Head Todd and the Monsters
    Colorado gets its own tier because Colorado is super fucking heady.

    3tiercakestand

    6th Tier
    The Big Wu, Blues Traveler, Spin Doctors, Keller Williams
    Remember this tier? Nostalgia at its finest.

    Tier 6.9
    Grace Potter

    7th Tier
    The Nocturnals

    8th Tier
    Galactic, Pat McGee Band, Conspirator, Lettuce, Soulive, Max Creek
    Respectable company if you like good music.

    9th Tier
    Dopapod, Papadosio
    These two may as well just merge together at this point.

    10th Tier
    RAQ, The New Mastersounds, Zach Deputy, Everyone Orchestra, STS9, Perpetual Groove
    We didn’t know what tier to put these in so they go here.

    Southern-Tier-LOGO11th Tier
    The Mars Volta, Clutch, Moss, Between The Buried and Me, Deafheaven, Meshugah, Mastodon
    Metal Progrock bands are the original Jamband you hippies

    12th Tier
    Turkuaz, Kung Fu, Particle
    The ‘Late night bands for when you are peaking’ tier.

    13th Tier
    Bad vibes on this tier brah.

    14th Tier
    McLovins, Digital Tape Machine, Ha Ha the Moose, Addison Grove Project, Deep Banana Blackout, Ekoostik Hookah, G Love and Special Sauce, Pork Tornado, Zero, Vida Blue
    Remember them?

    15th Tier
    Twiddle, Lawn Boys, Phix, The Jauntee, Cubensis, Chum and any other Phish cover bands/wannabes
    Stop trying to be Phish. Just stop.


  10. Colorado Runs Out of Drugs

    September 5, 2014 by TreyAntipasta

    Phish fans convened in Commerce City, Colorado last weekend and based on early reports from local economists, the state of Colorado is drug free for the first time in its history.

    “They cleaned us out man. It was unreal”, reported dispensary manager Geoff Monohan. “And you thought that Sand was awesome Sunday night? Dude, you know nothing.

    Our store was basically raped.”

    Welcome-to-Colorado-Marijuana-Green-Rush

    Phish fans descending upon Denver en masse has been an annual occurrence since 2011 when he band began playing at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. While it has become clear that Phish and their fans love Dick’s, fans are showing their love for Colorado’s liberalized marijuana laws to the point of looting.

    “They came in and bought it up: grams, shatter, edibles. Then they bought drugs downtown and the dealers were cleaned out. Before we knew it, Denver was a drug desert.”

    The Babys Mouth didn’t help either. Monahan admitted that even reinforcements from California were no match. “There isn’t any ketamine in a 3 state radius! What is everyone going to do when Lotus plays Red Rocks?!”

    drug-abuse-277x300

    It didn’t stop with drugs either. The Phellowship hoarded Flintstones Vitamins across town, while Mr. Miner drank every Starbucks dry just so he could keep listening the the hidden messages in Friday night’s ‘Simple’.

    With Phish expected to play Dick’s in 2015, the state of Colorado is already planning to encourage local home growers to hit Shakedown early as demand will surely exceed supply.